Living Up The Faith

"Men will wrangle for religion; write for it; fight for it; die for it; anything but live it."

- Charles Caleb Colton

This is one of the most tragic truth about the state of Christianity as practised in our world now (I won't comment on any other religions since it's Christianity that I am most acquainted with). Which is why I have to insist, again, that one's faith is personal, and not subjected to anybody's approval except God himself. If we can learn this and stop passing judgement on each other, but instead, focus on our own relationship with God and the lifestyle we profess to follow in accordance to our faith, then the world would be a better place, and we could all be one step closer to God...

Why must the church be the moral and theological police of its congregation? Isn't God the only one worthy of that position and authority? How can a sinner judge another fellow sinner, even if it is based upon the laws as stated in the Bible? We should learn and practise mercy, and leave justice to God's hands. Indeed, mercy triumphs over judgement! Isn't that the heart of Christ's teaching? How do we ended up losing sight of that?

"If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.

- John 8:7

P.S. On a personal note, I have to remind myself not to only write about my faith, but to live it. Ah, that's is so so much harder than it sounds. I always wonder if persecution could do the trick. Maybe I am lacking pressure to actually move forward... The tendency to stand still is always there...

Fragments of Thoughts

Been having a few ideas to post about for this entire month, but I just can't develop them solidly enough to post as a single blog entry each. I figured that rather than to let such thoughts died out in its rudimentary forms, I might as well post them in words here so I can develop more on them some other days. So here it is:


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It's interesting to note that many people arrive at Christ starting with the worldview of orthodox Christianity then to the person of Christ, while I 'discovered' Christ 1st than the rest of Christianity as an organized religion.

Ask around and many will tell you bout Christ this way: God created the world, Man rebel against him and therefore sin befels on all humanity, which is why Christ is reincarnate as a man to die for our sins on the cross for the salvation of humanity.

For me, I was (and still is) moved by the very person of Christ and his teaching first before I know all about Christianity as a religious movement. The way he's so uncannily confident of his then-unorthodox teachings, his wise and incredibly insightful parables, his passion and submission to God and the way he lives his life.

In a way, I sort of absorb Christ's teaching that is totally independent from interpretation of church theology or any form of biblical scholarships, which might explain why I'm not as attached to the church life as part of my Christian living as do my fellow brethens. It was Christ who changed me, not the Christian religion nor the Christian church.


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I used to think that the lack of persecution to the Christian faith is something we should be thankful about, as this is seen as a blessing from God where we can practise our beliefs without any forms of suppression and censorship from the government and the society around us. Which explains my extreme hatred of the Communist party of China in the past when I think of the millions of Christian who are persecuted and hunted down for their faith. I was concerned that such relentless persecution from the government will prevent many individuals to find the purpose of their lives in Christ, as I rationalize that such acts of persecution will scare people away from getting themselves involve with the Christian religion.

Now I've come to realize that the intensity of such persecution does not put out the flame of people's faith, but strangely fuel up the believer's faith so much more (as I've read in the book The Heavenly Man), that I have to admit that I am ashamed for my own cowardness and lack of faith. These people have done what seemed to be the impossible: their faith is flourishing under an incredibly suppresive government, and here I am, living complacently even as I have the full freedom to believe what I wanted and live accordingly without any hindrance.

Could it be that persecution of our faith is one of the true mark of honest and sincere discipleship to Jesus' teachings? Could it be that the reason for our freedom of worship is not because of some lofty principles of individual liberty and tolerance, but is due to the fact that our beliefs have become so... acceptable to the world that we ceased to be a threat to its way of living? That we have become just a shade, just an extension of the world that Christ has warned us not to be a part of?

After all, did Jesus not say that the world will hate us on his account? So why is everyone coming to the church every Sunday, smiling and happy and greet the pastor warmly and exchange some sweet and polite gestures and commenting about the weather and stock exchange (as if we're all attending some sort of social events), when on other parts of the globe, people were arrested and tortured when they were caught worshiping underground?

Are we the ones that our persecuted brethens should be worried about after all, and not vice versa?


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If the worldly life centers only around the self and no others (and God is definitely left out of the equation), is living a life which centers around God and away from oneself the only other alternative to a worldly life? To me, the Self is as important as God and the Eternal, for otherwise, what is my faith but a blind obediance to a higher power for fear of some form of divine punishment if I transgress his laws?

Which is why existential Christianity is the model that makes most sense to me in terms of how I should live my life. For what is the point for me to swallow in the entire package of 'Christian doctrines and theology' if I cannot even live as one? What's the use of boldly proclaiming my faith, serving in a church and engage in apologetics againt the theory of evolution when I can't learn to love one another and love God with everything that I am?


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Think of a very long railway train – but long ago the locomotive ran away from it. Christendom is like this. Generation after generation has imperturbably continued to link the enormous train of the new generation to the previous one, solemnly saying: We will hold fast to the faith of the fathers. Thus Christendom has become the very opposite of what Christianity is. Christianity is restlessness, the restlessness of the eternal. Any comparison here is flat and tedious – to such a degree that the restlessness of the eternal is restless. Christendom is tranquillity. How charming, the tranquillity of literally not moving.

Yet another superb contrast between Christianity (Christ's teachings) and Christendom (the Christian church) by Soren Kierkegaard. Whatever has happened till we became so complacent with life and so completely unconcerned with our obligations to God, and yet we're still totally unaware about the grave situation we're in?

Beware of Christian Scholarship!

The matter is quite simple. The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand we are obliged to act accordingly. Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined. How would I ever get on in the world?

Herein lies the real place of Christian scholarship. Christian scholarship is the Church’s prodigious invention to defend itself against the Bible, to ensure that we can continue to be good Christians without the Bible coming too close. Oh, priceless scholarship, what would we do without you? Dreadful it is to fall into the hands of the living God. Yes, it is even dreadful to be alone with the New Testament.

I open the New Testament and read: “If you want to be perfect, then sell all your goods and give to the poor and come follow me.” Good God, if we were to actually do this, all the capitalists, the officeholders, and the entrepreneurs, the whole society in fact, would be almost beggars! We would be sunk if it were not for Christian scholarship! Praise be to everyone who works to consolidate the reputation of Christian scholarship, which helps to restrain the New Testament, this confounded book which would one, two, three, run us all down if it got loose (that is, if Christian scholarship did not restrain it).

In vain does the Bible command with authority. In vain does it admonish and implore. We do not hear it – that is, we hear its voice only through the interference of Christian scholarship, the experts who have been properly trained. Just as a foreigner protests his rights in a foreign language and passionately dares to say bold words when facing state authorities – but see, the interpreter who is to translate it to the authorities does not dare do so but substitutes something else – just so the Bible sounds forth through Christian scholarship.

We declare that Christian scholarship exists specifically to help us understand the New Testament, in order that we may better hear its voice. No insane man, no prisoner of the state, was ever so confined. As far as they are concerned, no one denies that they are locked up, but the precautions regarding the New Testament are even greater. We lock it up but argue that we are doing the opposite, that we are busily engaged in helping it gain clarity and control. But then, of course, no insane person, no prisoner of the state, would ever be as dangerous to us as the New Testament would be if it were set free.

- Soren Kierkegaard

I confess, I used to dream about attending bible seminary classes a few years ago. The idea of pursuing such a holy, biblical scholarly lessons were so incredibly appealing to me that I once told myself that I should grab hold of the 1st oppurtunity I have to attend a crash course on biblical theology when a long break from my studies arrives.

Since the early days when I've become a Christian, I've prided myself over the fact that I can absorb many of God's Word into memory. While I can't exactly quote word-by-word, I can easily recall the bible verses that suit the current topic that we're discussing in cell group. It was not after some time that I begin to notice an inner fear within me everyday I'm reading the bible, the New Testament to be exact. I ignore it at first, since I can't explain the reason behind its existence, but the feeling eventually boiled over after I've read Andrew Murray's Humility.

For the first time in my life, I'm gripped with a terrifying sense of despair. My eyes were suddenly opened to the ignorant, complacent 'Christian life' that I've been living: Yes, I read God's Word, I reflect deeply upon them, and I share my thoughts about them with other believers, but I have never applied them. Worse, I realize that I cannot even perform them as the way Jesus has taught. I realize what it really means to follow God: to become nothing, nothing at all, to bear the cross, and to follow him.

I'm sure many Christians will be perplexed with my reaction. Why should I fear about following God, since it's such a joy to live according to his will? Loving Him, love your neighbours, forgive one another, spread the good news... how hard can all these be? I can understand them perfectly well, since I used to think the same way too. But if one is to take up the challenge to forget everything except pledging oneself to act accordingly to the New Testament... do u realize what is the implication?

"If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also."

"Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."

"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me."

"If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire."

"If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind."

No, it is not enough merely to intellectually acknowledge Christ's teachings, one must fulfill them, in action. To those who deny this, to those who claim that following Christ consists merely of intellectually accepting Christ as their lord and saviour: Have Christ not said that, "If you love me, you will obey what I command?" Eerily, that what many biblical scholars are trying to convince us: 'Hurray, you've accepted Jesus, you're saved now from eternal damnation! So now, go and enjoy your well-deserved vacation! Everything is done!'

So forgive me if I sound exceedingly paranoid towards biblical scholars, but what these people say and what I'm reading in the bible are so incompatible, I'm amazed that they managed to get the whole Christendom fooled. Or perhaps it's because we were just too afraid to study the bible for ourselves and let these 'experts' do the work for us? That the idea of being alone with God's Word is so terrifying as it exposes all our shortcomings, makes us all seek comfort under the shade (shadow?) of Christian scholarship?

Would you dare to take up the challenge of facing the full impact of God's Word all by yourself, without the interpretation and commentaries from biblical scholars? Do you dare to stand naked before God as his Word is poured out upon you, without the scholars and theologians reducing the intensity of his Message? For me, truth be told, I'm completely petrefied. But I will gather my courage to face this challenge, just as a kid has to face the possibility of falling down when he first learn to walk.

I have to face this fear, if I am to follow Christ. God please grant me the will to face you.

What we really need, then, is a reformation that sets even the Bible aside. Yes, this has just as much validity now as did Luther’s breaking with the Pope. The current emphasis on getting back to the Bible has, sadly, created religiosity out of learning and literalistic chicanery – a sheer diversion. Tragically this kind of knowledge has gradually trickled down to the masses so that no one can read the Bible simply any more. All our Bible learning has become nothing but a fortress of excuses and escapes. When it comes to existence, to obedience there is always something else we have to first take care of. We live under the illusion that we must first have the interpretation right or the belief in perfect form before we can begin to live – that is, we never get around to doing what the Word says.

Random Updates

I've passed the exams, and now i'm all set for my next phase of studies in Auckland University February next year. In the mean time, I'll get a good rest to recover from the excessive exam stress, work out to lose some fat and most importantly, learning to live existentially.

Moving out from my apartment was more sad than I have imagined. To think that I won't be seeing the place again after staying there for 2.5 years... I have many memories that linger around the corridors of Vista Komanwel, some sweet some bitter, but I will cherish all of them.

Sad that I never have a doctor as a role model throughout my course, though I do admire certain facets of a few lecturers. A sad fact, but nothing could be done. Hopefully I can find one in New Zealand.

Been busy vacationing all around Malaysia lately. Been to Genting Highlands and Penang so far, Cameron Highlands and Pulau Redang coming up next if I'm not exhausted by then. Really desperate for a nice tan at a sunny beach... Pulau Redang sounds perfect!

Numbers Are Illusions

We now have, unlike original Christianity, a complete cast of bishops, deans, and pastors; educated clergy, degree and all, talented, gifted, humanly well-meaning. They all preach with tremendous confidence – doing it well, very well, stupendously well, tolerably well, or badly – but not one of them lives in character with the Christianity of the New Testament. This grand cast of characters accomplishes one thing: it gives rise to a false impression that because we have such a complete cast we must of course have Christianity, too.

We also have what one might call a complete inventory of church buildings, bells, organs, pews, altars, pulpits, offering plates, and so on. But when Christianity does not exist, this inventory, so far from being an advantage, is a peril, because it is so very likely to give rise to the false impression that we must have Christianity, too.

The illusion of a Christian nation, a Christian “people,” masses of Christians, is no doubt due to the power that numbers exercise over the imagination. And yet how many are able to say of their Christian acquaintances that they are truly Christians in the New Testament sense, or that their lives are even close to resembling those of the first disciples. But when there are thousands upon thousands who confess to being Christian, one becomes easily confused. Perhaps we are all Christians after all. Why be so harsh?

This brings to mind a ridiculous story about an innkeeper. It is said that this innkeeper sold his beer by the bottle for a cent less than it cost him. When a certain man said to him, “How does that balance the account? You’re losing money,” he replied, “No, my friend, it’s the big number that counts.”

When you have finished laughing at this story, you would do well to take its lesson to heart, which warns against the power that numbers exercise over the imagination. No doubt this innkeeper knew very well that one bottle of beer at 3 cents meant a loss of 1 cent since it cost him 4 cents. And, no doubt, he realized that selling 10 bottles also meant a loss. But 100,000 bottles!

Here the big number stirs the imagination. The innkeeper becomes dazed. It’s a profit, he says, for the big number does it. So also with every calculation that arrives at a Christian nation, and dare I also say at a church, by adding up units which are not Christian, getting impressed with the results by means of the notion that it is the big number that counts!

Numbers are the most dangerous of all illusions. Inasmuch as Christianity is spirit, the honesty of eternity, there is nothing its detective eye is so suspicious of as of Christian states, Christian lands, Christian endeavors, Christian movements, a Christian people, and (how marvelous!) a Christian world. Even if there were something true in this talk about Christian peoples and cultures, everything this world has up to this point seen in the way of criminal affairs is a mere nursery rhyme in comparison with this crime.

Christ requires followers and defines precisely what he means by this. They are to be salt, willing to be sacrificed. But to be salt and to be sacrificed is not something that the thousands naturally go for, still less millions, or (still less!) countries, kingdoms, states, and (absolutely not!) the whole world. On the other hand, if it is a question of size, mediocrity, and of lots of talk, then the possibility of the thing begins; then bring on the thousands, increase them to the millions – no, go forth and make the world Christian.

The New Testament alone, not numbers, settles what Christianity is, leaving it to eternity to pass judgment upon us. It is simply impossible to define faith on the basis of what people in general like best and prefer to call Christianity. As soon as we do this, Christianity is automatically done away with. There are, in the end, only two ways open to us: to honestly and honorably make an admission of how far we are from the Christianity of the New Testament, or to perform skillful tricks to conceal the true situation, tricks to conjure up a forgery whereby Christianity is the prevailing religion in the land.

Honestly, New Testament Christianity simply does not exist. If the human race would rise in rebellion against God and cast Christianity away from it, it would not be nearly so dangerous as this clever way of making Christians of everybody and giving this activity the appearance of zeal for the truth. This is nothing but a scoffing at God by offering him thanks for bestowing his blessing upon the progress that Christianity was making.

- Soren Kierkegaard
excerpts from Attack Upon "Christendom"

Kierkegaard's entry mirrors my thoughts on megachurches who boast of their numbers, as if that's a miraculous sign of a 'revival'. I say, it has too many 'impressive' theatrical effects but a cold, empty core. I'd rather see a face I know turn to God after years of doubts and struggle than to see hundreds of people crowding to the altar in tears and being 'slain' because they're moved by the pastor's 'powerful' speech. One just can't rule out for certain whether the entire reaction is caused by mass hysteria instead of a sincere, conscious choice of an individual to reach out for God. I fear many of the 'newly-converted' would doubt their decision days after the event when the speakers and the crowds that were so affirming are no longer around them...

The Calm After the Storm

It is finished.

* Long, weary exhale *

After months of apathy, weeks of panic attacks, and days of insomnia, boredom and depression, I am glad that my sanity remains intact... At least I think it still is... (Note to self: May need an external observer to verify that.)

Goodbye Medicine! See you again in 6 months in New Zealand! I'm gonna grasp all the oppurtunities I have now to do things I have longed to do all these while. Will plan the details later.

As for this blog, I have a lot of things in mind to write about for the next few weeks; But right now, I juz wanna enjoy my long-deserved rest after going thru such a traumatic period of last minute studies and fear of failure.

Till then, have fun everyone!

P.S. Oh I'm quite optimistic about my results. Thanks for all the prayers and support! Really appreciate them.

EOS 5 Has Arrived

Well, here it is, the long-dreaded yet long-hoped to pass End of Semester 5 exams, starting today till 20th July, Thursday. The last exams I'll be having in IMU... that is, if I pass...

I'm holding my breathe...

The Obstacle

"The thing is to understand myself, to see what God really wishes me to do; the thing is to find a truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die... an imperative of understanding must be taken up into my life, and that is what I now recognise as the most important thing. That is what my soul longs after, as the African desert thirsts for water... What is truth but to live for an idea?"

- Soren Kierkegaard

In that few sentences, Kierkegaard summarised, in the most eloquent manner, the very same passion of my life - my quest for truth, and my strivings to live up to it. Ever since my discovery of Kierkegaard's ideas and writings, I have move forward by a huge step in this lifelong quest of mine. But as time pass, I'm becoming increasingly aware of an element which I lack which would make all my attempts to live up for the truth which I have embraced futile - humility.

Ah, humility - Such a wondrous, admirable virtue, and yet, how much despair has it has evoked within me! For to become nothing before God seems like an impossible task for me, for a willful person like me. Instead of getting inspired when I am edified concerning the importance of humility, I shrunk back in horror and despair as I realized how sinkingly low I am in comparison to God's standard! I despair for the very fact that my passion may not be compatible with my self after all!

What's stopping me from learning to be humble? Anger, intense fury. Anger at the injustice that has been done by the people and the world around me. Anger at the self-righteousness and hypocrisy I'm seeing everywhere. Anger at the restriction of freedom by societal norm and expectations. Anger for the world's consistent pushings to make everyone a conforming zombie. Anger, intense fury.

What am I supposed to do? Retire from the world and live a hermit's life, away from the world which I have come to hate? Or to renounce all my sense of self that has become increasingly conscious because of my anger and alienation from my surroundings? I can't see how I can learn humility unless I can first sever all my ties from the world. And that, I can't, I just can't...