All is Meaningless

Carpe diem.

Seize the day.

So they say.

What if there's nothing worth seizing in life after all?

I'm stuck in this wasteland of meaninglessness, bored almost to the point of senility. Any purposes I created for myself are but short term goals, distracting my thoughts from being fully aware of the futility of life. My preoccupation echoes Job's:

"Why did you bring me out of the womb?
I wish I had died before any eye saw me.
If only I had never come into being,
or had been carried straight from the womb to the grave!"

When you strip away all the grand illusions of doctrines and ceremonies and the made-up sanctity of the church, Christianity is like an empty shell; nay, more like a tomb, where all the lofty ideals have long since decayed or corrupted beyond recognition.

Life on earth is like a vacumn, a Void, where Man wonders around aimlessly, got bored, and decided to team up and do silly things like raising Babel or striking down the twin towers. All the struggles and grief, all the violence and hate, all the indulgence and greed, all the toil and diligence, all amount to nothing, not unlike chasing the wind.

Truly, our existence here on earth is cursed.

And I declared that the dead,
who have already died,
are happier than the living,
who are still alive.

But better than both,
is he who has not yet been,
who has not seen the evil
that is done under the sun."
--Ecclesiastes 4:2-3

Sent for the Lost Sheep

Leaving that place, Jesus withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon. A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is suffering terribly from demon-possession."

Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, "Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us."

He answered, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel."

The woman came and knelt before him. "Lord, help me!" she said.

He replied, "It is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to their dogs."

"Yes, Lord," she said, "but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table."

Then Jesus answered, "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted." And her daughter was healed from that very hour.

MATTHEW 15:21-28

Jesus was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel! How come I've never notice this line in the past! Fascinating really, this line seemed to refute the universality of Christ's supposed message of salvation to all humanity!

Having said that, I gladly go for the crumbs that fell from the table. I may not be an Israelite, but Christ has truly captured my heart.

From Words to Deeds

Reading thru Jesus' parables, I'm amazed by how his words can stir my heart in such a powerful manner, compelling me to act accordingly. And what's more interesting, it stops right there, giving you complete freedom, and full responsibility, to decide how you react to them.

It is that very transition, from words to deeds, that many men falter. It's easy to feel enlightened and moved, but it takes courage and convictions to venture a decisive act, using Kierkegaard's (o-so-poetic) phrase. God/Christ/the Holy Spirit can go far to stir our hearts, but in the end, each individual has to will himself to the ultimate expression of his faith - in his actions.

Submission/ Cooperation

What is the ideal God-Man relationship? One of submission, or one of cooperation? From my own experience, it's always been an ambiguous combination of both. There are times when I knelt prostrate before God, seeking his guidance and forgiveness, and there are times when I feel as if I'm fighting against temptations by actively focusing my will towards the Word of God.

This self-God dichotomy often confuses and frustrated me. When should we let go and rely solely on God, and when do we exercise our faith and will to remain true to the Way? The answer to that has always been elusive to me, like trying to snatch the fog into my hand. Where exactly does the individual and God meet?

Renewal

There's nothing left to seek, it's time to act. Once again, I'm plunging into the unknown. But it feels different this time. I'm more confident in my steps now. Lead the way o lord. Be the light on my path.

Damned if You Do, Damned if You Don't

When the truth hurts, should I keep it to myself, and spare others from being affected by it, even if it means I have to be dishonest to myself? Should one ever jeopardizes his integrity for the sake of others? Should the self seek to reconcile with himself first, or exists in perpetual harmony with his community? Bad faith, or social responsibility?

Choices. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. The future is a black unknown, and when the decision is made, the consequences will fall into places accordingly. Everything in its right place.

Loser

If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.

- JC

Ah such a beautiful ideal. Transpose this to my everyday life:

If someone manipulates you for their own gain, let yourself be manipulated. Don't retaliate, no, don't even resist, even when you are completely aware of how you are being used, just follow the leash lead.

When someone asked to take a look at your logbook which you have meticulously completed with all the attention to details, you will gladly surrender it to them; Knowing that all your hard work will almost certainly be plagiarised within minutes, & completely aware that if discovered both you & that someone will be in deep trouble.

That my friends, is the way of Christ. The way to freedom. Hah, no wonder the world scorn at Christ. To be like Christ, is to be trampled by anyone who wants to take advantage over you, without even putting up a fight. Just as the charismatics love jumping around, claiming they are invincible with God on their side (& all that kind of nonsense), "Christians" around the world are fooling themselves & don't see what it really means to take up the cross & deny thyself -

To be a complete loser.

...Dare I strive to be that kind of person?

The Way: Intro- or Extraversion?

What is the Way? Perfecting the self & chasing after the divine, or love & charity to others? 'Both' is a great theoretical answer, but I've encounter no such living example yet. To manifest the innermost passion into a practical social interaction seems like an impossible feat.

The tension of trying to achieve both at once is strenous to me. Perhaps I've been doing it the wrong way? Did Christ not said, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light"?

Zealousness for God & good intentions to others do not strike me as an existential answer to the meaninglessness of life. What is the 'more' that I've been missing?