ALONE IN THE CROWD

CLASS REUNION: Getting together to see who's falling apart. (GRAFFITI)

I was struck by the timeliness of the above "definition" when I was reading the papers today. 2 of my high school friends organized a joint birthday party at a mamak stall at Klang on Friday. At first, I decided to skip it, since I have to attend my CG at Vista (the last time we meet was more than a month ago!). After CG, I called my friend to see if the party is still on.. To my surprise, it was, eventhough it was 2 and a half hours past the start of the party! Figuring that I have nothing else to do anyway, I decided to return to Klang and attend the party, as late as I was. "Better late than never."

It was a wrong decision.

Mingling among the crowd of ppl that were my ex-classmates (some for more than 5 years!), I have nv so painfully aware of how lonely I was there. They did talked to me and asked me how I'm doing and such, but I can't help but feeling that they only do so bcuz it's expected for them to do so, not bcuz they are interested or anything. And to my horror, I realized that I feel the same way too! I dun care if one among us has been awarded the Nobel Prize, nor do I give a damn if one of them have been jailed for killing someone. Seriously!

I used to think that I'm a loyal friend, that once I get to know someone well, they become a part of me, apart of who I am... I'm not sure bout myself anymore. Heck, even chatting online with an old friend felt more like a chore sometimes! What is happening to me?

Maybe it's juz that I've nv connect deeply with them, maybe I was nv connected to them. But that's hard to believe. How can I spent 5 years in that school not building any strong friendships there? What exactly happened in that 5 years? Was I so much of an outcast then? Have I let myself slip all my past memories? Where were the joy and sorrow instead of a hollow emptiness? What's wrong with me?!

I dun feel like attending all these stupid functions anymore. Man, I feel so disconnected with everyone... and so lost... So so lost...