FINAL CUT

It is said that a forgiving heart is one of the chief mark of a true Christian, for if we cannot forgive fellow sinners like ourselves, how can we expect a perfect and sinless God to forgive our sins? But I have to ask, "What is the purpose of forgiving someone if that person never even notices their continuous wrongdoings, let alone repent with a sincere heart?"

I always consider myself to be a forgiving person. "I'm sorry" is a very powerful phrase indeed for me. There is no unforgivable sins from anyone towards me, so long as they're truly sorry for what they've done. But how do I deal with detestable ppl who nv even realize how hideous they really are? How could I even approach and tell them what they have done wrong when their pride and ego are blocking the way?? It is not easy to admit that you're wrong, and it is hard to accept that people are right about you: you need to change that awful attitude of yours. So who's to blame if they can't accept it?

I've been swallowing all the insults patiently for the past one year or so. I really think that the friendship is worth all the humiliation I undergo. But at this time of self-evaluation, I can't help but wonder, "Who am I doing this for?" God? Is he glorified for my continuous humiliation? It is if they condemned me for the Truth I believe in. But it is purely my nature that they're mocking me here. So who am I doing this for? Why should I go thru all this suffering for... nothing? Juz so that there won't be any conflict arises from this so-called close circle of friends? Must I take in all these insults for the sake of "the whole"? Why should I, if "the whole" don't looks out for me?

Maybe being a lone runner is not that bad idea after all. Granted, it's less fun, but perhaps it's worth the less pain as well. What's the point of me going thru all these humiliation when I know that these people are not on par with my level? I know, that's a proud thing to say, but after going thru all these, it's really tough for me not to fight fire with fire. I'm generally cheerful person, but I can be incredibly vengeful if someone consistently cross the line, my "moral line".

As I reevaluate and reflect more upon my current relationships with everyone I know, I can't help but realizinh how naive and delusional I've been. There are preciously few good people out there, and many sacrifices and efforts you made don't juz go unnoticed, but are exploited by the monsters out there. Yes I know, I sound paranoid, but after all I've went thru... I can't trust others as much anymore. The only place now that I can call a sanctuary... is within myself...

In the mean time, to the guy who could never repent:

...and if he refuses to listen even... treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. (Matthew 18:17)

Bring me the scissors.

*Snip snip*.

Here lies the broken thread of our friendship.

May it rest in peace... for good.