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DVD Review: The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers


By Gollum and Smeagol


SMEAGOL: Good master, wise master, nice master! Master is on DVD, yes, yes, again on DVD, along with Sam, the hobbit who knows so much. The Two Towers they calls it.

GOLLUM: Precious is gone. No precious. Nasty men, they put precious on film, try to make us watch it over and over. We hates them.

SMEAGOL: But Smeagol is famous, famous in all the western lands and beyond the Great River's end. More famous than before, always more people watching Smeagol now. Smeagol's face very important, even without the precious. Smeagol sees face everywhere, even in Wal-Mart.

GOLLUM: Ach! Sss - no! We shouldn't have taken men's advice. We shouldn't have watched. Face is cruel - men plays tricks on us. Men takes fat hobbitses and makes them look thin on wide screen; takes Sméagol and makes us look wretched. Don't look at us! Go away! Gollum, gollum.

SMEAGOL: Silly! Of course we looks wrong on wide screen, but we looks good! Good Sméagol! And elves looks good, and men looks good, even triksy wizards looks good. And orcs, yes, even orcs. Smeagol has talked to Orcs, yes of course, before he met master, and to many peoples: he has walked very far. And what he says now many peoples are saying. All look good on Master Peter Jackson's fat wide screen. Except the wargs. They looks like hyenas.

GOLLUM: Jackson is nasty, tricksy. And he is not our Master. Gollum.

SMEAGOL: Jackson is good, wise. Doesn't give Smeagol green skin like sneaksy cartoons. Jackson is our master now. Precious is gone. Book took precious long ago. Smeagol doesn't need precious. Smeagol will serve the master of the wide screen now.

GOLLUM: No, no! The wide screen lies. Many places are wrong. Precious is revealed to Nazgûl at the city of men by the river. He knows now, He knows where the precious is. He'll get it now, and eat us all, eat all the world. Tricksy director must change story now, or maybe not. No, maybe he'll just let it pass, they do it all the time in nasty wide films, not try to make sense to poor Smeagol. Too many changes, Smeagol does not understand them all. Wide screen shows us singing at the Forbidden Pool, but we didn't sing there. Nasty men make wide screen lie.

SMEAGOL: Smeagol doesn't mind. But we did sing, no not at the Pool. We splashed our feet in the shallow stony stream before passing through the marshes, we did. We sang there, not at the Pool. Master moved our song to the Pool. Nice sensible master he is.

GOLLUM: You are not wise to be glad of the wide screen. Where was She? She was missing, only mentioned at the end. Now She must be squeezed to fit in the last film, where much else is left to be squeezed to fit. Foolish Jackson, he's not our master. He didn't want Her to be compared to Aragog, who came first on big screen last year. Nice sensible master? Spooked by Harry Potter, he was.

SMEAGOL: No, sweet one. See, Master has good reason to wait for Her. But Master did not ask. He does not tell poor Smeagol what he means to do. Master must know of another way. Nice master. Smeagol very good, always trusts master.

GOLLUM: He's a sneak. On, on, on he goes. We do not want to see other way. Other way has nasty elf lady in battle in next film. Elf lady in book was not in battle. No Arwen in Two Towers. Only in Appendixes.

SMÉAGOL: Oh, yes, O yes, Arwen was in appendixes, mostly. But Sméagol does not care.

GOLLUM: No! Silly film has Arwen scenes looking like Australian feminine products commercials, as they say. Foolish, yes foolish!

SMEAGOL: Yet many faces watch. Most Precious Master! Many faces like what they see. It is good, good as fish, sweet one.

GOLLUM: No, not good as fish. Smeagol musn't say that. Precious master stays overlong at Helm's Deep, then brings elves there. Wizard comes with more men and orcs run away. Not sensible. No elves in book at Helm's Deep, not now, not ever. Only Huorns, wild cousins of Ents. Huorns win battle for men, surround orcs and squash them. Much better for big wide screen: big trees crush nasty orcs. Not seen before on wide screen. There are big battles in many films now, you see them, and you want to yawn. You can keep wizard and elves - give me Huorns at Helm's Deep.

SMEAGOL: Last film is the best, so says master. Master says it is his favorite. It will have everything that has been missed, and story will be finished. Many will be disappointed, with no more films to wait for.

GOLLUM: Yes, yes, we looks forward to films too, even though no Huorns. But there is much left from Two Towers to put into last film. Much is missing in Two Towers film. Extended DVD will come soon, will have more, but not much. Only flashback with Faramir and Boromir, and other hobbits at Isengard wreckage. Web site says so. But will it have Saruman confronted at Isengard? The hobbit Pippin taking the palantir? We doubtses. And Sam taking the precious - of course not, She comes first.

SMEAGOL: Master knows best. He must be saving the narrow stair for the next film, and the Silent Watchers, and the nasty orcs killing each other. But no more fishes.

GOLLUM: And no more silly scenes that lookses like the Wizard of Oz. It isn't funny, Oh no! Not amusing.

SMEAGOL: Yes, not amusing to you, perhaps. Smeagol does not share this view. You say the scene where we comes to the Black Gate with the nice hobbit and the suspicious hobbit is much akin to the Wizard of Oz, where the lion, tin man and stuffed scarecrow look down on the witch's castle and sneak in dressed as guards. Smeagol does not agree - it's not sensible.

GOLLUM: What, then, of the hobbit child in Rohan? Very sneaksy, it was, for the Wise Director to do this.

SMEAGOL: No, not sneaksy. Smeagol does not know why. There may be a silly purpose, an inside joke, but we doesn't think so. Master just used the same actor twice, that's all. First in 'Fellowship,' where Baggins is telling the hobbit children about meeting the trolls. Then, in 'The Two Towers,' where the women and children are huddled inside Helm's Deep. The same wide-eyed little girl actor, there she is again, this time as a child of Rohan. But Sméagol does not think Master thought the watching faces would notice.

GOLLUM: Too much Helm's Deep, not enough Treebeard, that's what we noticed. And too much Smeagol. Don't look at us anymore! Gollum, gollum.

SMEAGOL: Now on we go! Very interested, of course; so we are, my precious, all of us. But we must take care when buying the DVD - it comes in Fullscreen and Widescreen - be very careful when choosing!


Translated from the Common Speech of Middle Earth by Michael Locke