NO SENSE!!!

I'm feeling really guilty and disturbed now...

It's the exam week, and I've merely finished one quarter of it. There's 3 more tests to go which contribute a significant amount of marks. Before this exam week, I've push myself on and on to my very edge, absorbing as much detail as I can in the very limited span of time. OK, I'll admit it, it's not as consistent as it sounds, as I've period of accelerated study rate and times when I juz feel like throwing all my notes away like repulsive thrash. Yet I keep on pushing myself...

And now that it's the exam week, it only makes sense if I'm currently at the very peak of the 'study momentum' rite? To my utmost horror, it's the direct opposite. All the facts that were once interesting to me become incredibly boring and repulsive, and all my instincts tell me are to run far far away from anything that's medically related. I've worked hard for all these 3 semesters in order to be in the Dean's List, a dream I have since years before I even entered Med School (view link). So far, everything's on track and all... And now that EOS 3 is here... I don't care anymore!

Hours juz passed me by when I can easily read up my notes on the highly probable questions that might come out in the exam, but I wasted them all complately doing almost nothing related to studies. I know the time I spend on this last minute revision could sufficiently boost my results, but heck I juz dun give a damn about it anymore. Somehow it feels so HORRIBLY sickening to pick up the notes to read up again, eventhough I've forgotten much of them after the obscene amount of facts we're expected to know by heart. I've read them so SO many times, but I can nv retain them for more than a few weeks the most. Somehow I can't help but feel that wat's the point of putting so much effort into studying when u're gonna forget most of it by the time of exam anyway?

Yet at the same time, I have to ask myself: how much effort have I put into my studies exactly? During my study break, I've spent countless hours reading comics, watching movies, reading about personality types, surfing for movie trailers etc, while some of my peers dedicated most of the waking hours studying, without complaining anything. Dun they deserve to get better results than me? Definitely, as I've always believe that the results u get is a reflection of how much effort and willpower you put into the work...

But is it? I've known extraordinary hardworking ppl to have continuously fail their exam, and self-confessed slackers/ persistent failers who pass their overall finals. When I say their super-hardworking, I really mean it. These guys spent so much of their time studying and preparing their amazingly well researched notes, revising the syllabus for countless hours... yet failing in the very end. And the slackers... they made it thru all the way with minimal fuss (some did go thru a resits and all, but hell, they deserve it rite, considering their lack of hardwork?)!

And so I come to my point, the reason behind my guilt: I am one of those slackers. Comparing myself to some of my peers, I'm relatively much less dedicated to my studies than they are. I've spant less time with my revision and all, though I have to say that I believe I've spent sufficient quality time revising. Yet, relatively, they deserve good results so much more than me... But as it turns out, I happened to get some better results in comparison to them... Some of them even failed, while I've managed to keep my head above the water all this while...

Don't get me wrong, I'm not boasting about myself here. In fact, I dun even notice it, until my friends around me talk to me or mentioned to me about this... Things like "I really pray that everyone will get the results they deserve... Oh no... Wait wait no no, I really have to pass this!" And "It's so sickening to get poor marks even after u've given so much effort... It's as if the grade in the results slip is mocking at u 'haha, a B+! That's the highest u can get after all your efforts!'"

......

I used to believe that if there's a will, there's a way... I used to scorn at the ideas of things like destiny and fate... But now I'm really unsure about all of these... If efforts doesn't guarantee good results, what does? Ingenuity? Logic? Common sense? The ability to discern wat the examiners want from you?

All answers are unsatisfactory to me... There a really elusive element somewhere... there. Can what some ppl say be true? That... Good doctors are born, not made? That... there are some things that... you juz have in you, while others, no matter how hard they tried, dun?

I can't accept this, really... Especially when I'm categorized into the somehow slacking but possibly 'gifted' (I mean that sarcastically) group, which is more 'blessed' than the hardworking but only having fruitless labours one?!

...This makes no sense!!!

?!?!