You can't gather around with a group of people (of similar faith presumably) and start a sharing of individual beliefs in order to arrive at some point of agreement on which is most probably true and which is questionable. Truth is not a concensus; it is a personal approximation of the individual to the divine. Truth is subjectivity.

...An anti-dogmatic dogma??

Walking Alongside Despair

I am no saint. In fact, I totally understood what Paul meant when he called himself the chief of sinners - I see myself as one. When one find himself alone with God and see him face to face, one can't help but despair over the sins that perpetuate the entire being of himself. It's like a sickly coat of oil permanently coated on the entire surface of oneself, a condition that one is forever trap with while in existence.

This constant consciousness about my sinful, worldly nature has been throughout the day in my life. At my most blissful moment, or my most depressed hour, I can't help but being aware of the absurdity and meaninglessness of 'life' as we know it. The persistent sense of despair can be a really heavy burden to bear as I stagger through this particular life of mine. It is incredibly tempting to just let go off everything and indulge myself either in a life of hedonism and aesthetism, or one of piety and the practise of communal submission to a religious code. To withdraw into bad faith, as Sartre calls it. But I have grown too acutely aware of the despair over my own state of existence to live a life of ignorance.

But to live a life defined by actions, acted upon choices which have no certainties, or based on any established consensual guidelines/protocol, is a terrifying thought in itself. Kierkegaard affirms that faith is the solution to despair, but faith require so much courage and risks that I can't help but feeling the burden of the freedom over the choices and course of my own life. Imagine, to be condemned to freedom!

And to know that this is the life I will live for the rest of my 'life'... I guess Christ was right when he said that small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life. Truth is the gate is much smaller and the road is much narrower than most of us have imagined it to be. Not to mention incredibly lonely as one is completely cut off from other fellow humans in this long arduous journey, with only Christ's promises as comfort.

This is merely the beginning...

Christianity does not join people together. No, it separates them - in order to unite every single individual with God. And when a person become such that he can belong to God and to God alone, he has died away from that which usually joins people together.

- Soren Kierkegaard

Faith and the Bible

The Holy Bible - What is its purpose in a Christian's life? Should an adherent of the Christian faith obeys completely on all the writings in it, and form a so called christian worldview based solely upon this great book? How important is a book in a life of worshipping God? If we are to follow and believe everything written in the bible unquestioningly, without a single trace of doubt, are we not at risk of idolizing a book, as sacred as many claimed?

After all, if ones knowledge about God can only be formed within the context of the Bible, then God is nothing but a book! An idea formed by the general concensus by the believers of the Bible! That can't be right! God should comes first, then the Bible! How can the Infinite be described, analysed, and contained within a finite object? No, I'm sure the Bible only shows what God chose to reveal about himself, instead of who he truly is. We humans could never have the capacity to completely comprehend God, as his ways are far beyond our grasp.

So if there is no final authority in judging who or what God is, how can we worship him whom we cannot fully comprehend? By faith. By personal faith. God will reveal himself to each of his believers in his own unique way, and never, ever en masse. Therefore, any attempts to systematically categorize biblical verses into doctrines to be embraced by a group of adherents, are equivalent to constructing a golden bull to be worshipped in place of God. To crave clarity and certainty in our perception of God is to strip away the faith element in knowing God, and replacing God with laws and dogmas.

Funny how the more we seek to intellectually conceptualize the God we worship, the further we focus away from him.

I'm finding it harder and harder to write about something in a coherent, essay format, as I simply lack the energy and patience to translate my thoughts into words. I guess I'm gonna post mostly scribblings in the future, and perhaps synthesize and expand them when I feel like I'm ready. So expect mostly short posts in the days to come!

Existential Christianity: Is It For All?

I was reading Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment when I suddenly recalled something a friend of mine told me after I've explained my existentialist view of Christianity: that though it may be applicable to certain individuals, not everyone can embrace it. Well I've been wondering about this for some time now, on and off, just how true this statement is. Are each of us personally responsible for our relationship with God, or is it God's will to have churches serving the mass of (to use Crime and Punishment's protagonist Raskolnikoff's terminology) 'ordinary' people?

I know that there is no more turning back for me now that I have become aware of the superficiality of church life (at least it is to me), but I can't help but wonder: Can it be the some people, nay, most people, are 'destined' to obey an institution that insist themselves to be shepherds to the followers of God? That individual like myself is more an exception rather than the rule?

Whatever the answer is, I'm in no way troubled by it, since I firmly believe that each person's faith is personal, and there's no right or wrong that we fellow humans could judge it, as God is the only one all of us are accountable to in the end. I am just curious about other people's... how shall I call it? 'Internal wiring'? Lol. To each his own, I guess.

Discomfirting Thoughts

One drawback with 'going solo' in my faith (as a reader of my blog puts it) is that I tend to have this general sense of aimlessness. While I have some general principles to ground my belief on, I sometimes don't know how am I supposed to explore around it. I guess there's where church life comes handy, since it continuously generates oppurtunities for the masses to 'serve God and the people'. But I can't help but feel that it's merely a way to continually satisfy the needs of the people to do something, yet at the same time nothing is done, or at least, nothing that can leave any lasting impact is being performed. It's like one long, meaningless, complex web-like relationships that church-goers exercise together in order to create a false sense of meaning and purpose in their life, within their community.

Although I dislike the forced service and insincerity that are often associated with such activities (I admit, I do see genuine sincerity in certain individuals), I guess it is better than doing nothing at all. I have a serious problem in applying my faith now to everyday life, since I just can't find a situation in which I can actually react according to my faith. Such laid-back, passive faith-life is making me very uneasy, yet at the same time, I don't have any idea what am I supposed to do to solve it.

On another note, I realise that the concept of morality is gradually detaching, slipping away from my view of Christianity. As the emphasis on love and forgiveness grow stronger, the moral significance of the so called "sinful acts" starts to deteriorate in me. I guess this can be interpret in 2 ways: either I'm growing less and less judgemental, or I'm suffering from moral decay. 2 very different explanations, which one is true?

Living Up The Faith

"Men will wrangle for religion; write for it; fight for it; die for it; anything but live it."

- Charles Caleb Colton

This is one of the most tragic truth about the state of Christianity as practised in our world now (I won't comment on any other religions since it's Christianity that I am most acquainted with). Which is why I have to insist, again, that one's faith is personal, and not subjected to anybody's approval except God himself. If we can learn this and stop passing judgement on each other, but instead, focus on our own relationship with God and the lifestyle we profess to follow in accordance to our faith, then the world would be a better place, and we could all be one step closer to God...

Why must the church be the moral and theological police of its congregation? Isn't God the only one worthy of that position and authority? How can a sinner judge another fellow sinner, even if it is based upon the laws as stated in the Bible? We should learn and practise mercy, and leave justice to God's hands. Indeed, mercy triumphs over judgement! Isn't that the heart of Christ's teaching? How do we ended up losing sight of that?

"If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.

- John 8:7

P.S. On a personal note, I have to remind myself not to only write about my faith, but to live it. Ah, that's is so so much harder than it sounds. I always wonder if persecution could do the trick. Maybe I am lacking pressure to actually move forward... The tendency to stand still is always there...

Fragments of Thoughts

Been having a few ideas to post about for this entire month, but I just can't develop them solidly enough to post as a single blog entry each. I figured that rather than to let such thoughts died out in its rudimentary forms, I might as well post them in words here so I can develop more on them some other days. So here it is:


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It's interesting to note that many people arrive at Christ starting with the worldview of orthodox Christianity then to the person of Christ, while I 'discovered' Christ 1st than the rest of Christianity as an organized religion.

Ask around and many will tell you bout Christ this way: God created the world, Man rebel against him and therefore sin befels on all humanity, which is why Christ is reincarnate as a man to die for our sins on the cross for the salvation of humanity.

For me, I was (and still is) moved by the very person of Christ and his teaching first before I know all about Christianity as a religious movement. The way he's so uncannily confident of his then-unorthodox teachings, his wise and incredibly insightful parables, his passion and submission to God and the way he lives his life.

In a way, I sort of absorb Christ's teaching that is totally independent from interpretation of church theology or any form of biblical scholarships, which might explain why I'm not as attached to the church life as part of my Christian living as do my fellow brethens. It was Christ who changed me, not the Christian religion nor the Christian church.


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I used to think that the lack of persecution to the Christian faith is something we should be thankful about, as this is seen as a blessing from God where we can practise our beliefs without any forms of suppression and censorship from the government and the society around us. Which explains my extreme hatred of the Communist party of China in the past when I think of the millions of Christian who are persecuted and hunted down for their faith. I was concerned that such relentless persecution from the government will prevent many individuals to find the purpose of their lives in Christ, as I rationalize that such acts of persecution will scare people away from getting themselves involve with the Christian religion.

Now I've come to realize that the intensity of such persecution does not put out the flame of people's faith, but strangely fuel up the believer's faith so much more (as I've read in the book The Heavenly Man), that I have to admit that I am ashamed for my own cowardness and lack of faith. These people have done what seemed to be the impossible: their faith is flourishing under an incredibly suppresive government, and here I am, living complacently even as I have the full freedom to believe what I wanted and live accordingly without any hindrance.

Could it be that persecution of our faith is one of the true mark of honest and sincere discipleship to Jesus' teachings? Could it be that the reason for our freedom of worship is not because of some lofty principles of individual liberty and tolerance, but is due to the fact that our beliefs have become so... acceptable to the world that we ceased to be a threat to its way of living? That we have become just a shade, just an extension of the world that Christ has warned us not to be a part of?

After all, did Jesus not say that the world will hate us on his account? So why is everyone coming to the church every Sunday, smiling and happy and greet the pastor warmly and exchange some sweet and polite gestures and commenting about the weather and stock exchange (as if we're all attending some sort of social events), when on other parts of the globe, people were arrested and tortured when they were caught worshiping underground?

Are we the ones that our persecuted brethens should be worried about after all, and not vice versa?


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If the worldly life centers only around the self and no others (and God is definitely left out of the equation), is living a life which centers around God and away from oneself the only other alternative to a worldly life? To me, the Self is as important as God and the Eternal, for otherwise, what is my faith but a blind obediance to a higher power for fear of some form of divine punishment if I transgress his laws?

Which is why existential Christianity is the model that makes most sense to me in terms of how I should live my life. For what is the point for me to swallow in the entire package of 'Christian doctrines and theology' if I cannot even live as one? What's the use of boldly proclaiming my faith, serving in a church and engage in apologetics againt the theory of evolution when I can't learn to love one another and love God with everything that I am?


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Think of a very long railway train – but long ago the locomotive ran away from it. Christendom is like this. Generation after generation has imperturbably continued to link the enormous train of the new generation to the previous one, solemnly saying: We will hold fast to the faith of the fathers. Thus Christendom has become the very opposite of what Christianity is. Christianity is restlessness, the restlessness of the eternal. Any comparison here is flat and tedious – to such a degree that the restlessness of the eternal is restless. Christendom is tranquillity. How charming, the tranquillity of literally not moving.

Yet another superb contrast between Christianity (Christ's teachings) and Christendom (the Christian church) by Soren Kierkegaard. Whatever has happened till we became so complacent with life and so completely unconcerned with our obligations to God, and yet we're still totally unaware about the grave situation we're in?