Saturday, July 30, 2005


Exam's over. I've passed. No more Dean's List. But it's ok, I've did my best.

Holidays started. Boredom lingers...

Friday, July 29, 2005


Finally went to the dentist yesterday. I have been having gum bleeding since one month ago, but I didn't go to see a dentist until now bcuz I wanna be focused on my studies. And after the exam, I was so caught up with all the fun that I totally neglected my teeth's condition...

That was until the 2nd day I was in Genting. There's a swelling at the posterior part of my front teeth, and the pain spreads through the anterior part of my teeth. It was a horrible, throbbing pain, ranging from annoying to almost unbearable from time to time. Me and Keat tried to look around for a dentist around the Sungei Wang/ Berjaya Times Square area, but with no luck - all the dentists have closed their clinics. And so it was yesterday that we went around Sri Petaling, scouting for a dentist...

The 1st dentistry clinic we've been to was fully booked for the day, and so after making an appointment for the next day, we went hunting for another dentist, since we both want to settle this ASAP. Found another one near Secret Recipe Sri Petaling, it's a Dr Teo I think, and went straight for it. After waiting for about 15 minutes or so, I finally meet the dentist... Someone I should have been meeting long ago...

And ya, the dentist recognized my problem almost immediately after I've opened my mouth - gingivitis, or inflammation of the gums, in layman's terms. Worse, he found 2 teeth that has begun to decay at the posterior part of my lower teeth set, which he say he could get it fixed next week. Then he explained to me about my problem:

The foodstuff have been stucked in the gap between my teeth, espeacially the front (anterior) parts, and therefore causes the gums to be inflammed due to the bacterial activity. This doesn't happened suddenly, it takes years of accumulation of all the foodstuff in the gaps to cause that. I embarassingly confessed to him that I nv go for regular checkups throughout all my life (come to think about it, I've only seen dentists twice in my life before this, both incidents also due to removal of a falling tooth).

He eventually proceed to tell me wat he's going to do to me: cleaning up my teeth. Sounds harmless rite? I was totally fine about it until he show me the tool he's going to use on me: it's a thin sharp hook-like tool, and he says that it will vibrate as he insert it between my teeth to dig out all the tartar... I hesitantly nod my head, opened my mouth and... well, embrace my doom...

The sound the tool make was unnerving, but all was fine at first. It was a bit uncomfortable when the vibrating hook thingie went in and out of the gaps between my teeth, but the spraying water tool the dentist's assistant was holding it provide a mild relief over the pain... But when the tool was inserted into the areas where my gums swell... The pain was... horrible. I have to do all I can to distract myself from the pain, shut tight my eyes, and even went as far as to slightly lift up my feet. I have to suppress myself from screaming from all the pain! Thank God the dentist noticed and gave me breaks in between to rinse my mouth and cool down a bit... Gosh you should see the amount of blood coming out of my mouth! Along the way, he also showed me some of the calculi he managed to remove from my teeth: foodstuff that has been solidified into a small black stone after a long period of time!

After 30 minutes or so, it all finally ended... The doctor started educating me about my problem, and teached me the method to effectively brush out all the disgusting things stucked in the gaps. I must say that I'm really impressed with his aura of professionalism. I nv felt as if he's talking down on me throughout the entire meeting, and he has been really gentle and sympathetic when he's cleaning my teeth with the horrible vibrating watever. Then he prescibed me with a special toothpaste which will promote gum healing and also a bottle of gargling antiseptics.

I left the clinic with a metallic taste all over my mouth, a numbing sensation all over my gum and RM 80 poorer... But I'm really satisfied with the entire treatment thing la. My first impression of the dentist is really good, and... well, ya, I'll probably be seeing him again next week to get my decayed teeth fixed... Hmmmm... X(

Monday, July 25, 2005


It's getting close..
(tick tock tick tock)

Viva list will be out within 5 & a half hours...
(tick tock tick tock)

Will my ID# be up there on the board?
(Help no oh no, pls God, pls no)

If yes...
(Wat am I going to do? So much to cover,no time at all!!!)

If no...
(That would mean that I've pass... or failed... Argh not helpful!)

If I fail...
(NO!!!!! There goes all my holiday plan! And I'm not going to touch those notes again!!!)

If I pass...
(I think I deserve a break.. Pls God lemme pass lemme pass!!!)

* * * * * * * *

P.S. Skinny dipping is fun!!!

Saturday, July 23, 2005


4 ppl sailed out to sea, looking forward for a wonderful time together. Along the way, something went wrong, and they started to feel sour bout each other. One of them, A, voice out his dissatisfaction to another, B, which makes B feeling perplexed for unable to comprehend the seemingly angry msg. B showed it to yet another friend, C, who feels that B has been wronged by A. Wanting to defend B, he voiced out to A, saying that we shouldn't bicker over small things. A misinterpreted C's intention as an insult, as a humiliation, and seemed determined to juz end everything up. D is mainly silent bout all these, and no matter how many msg B & C sent to D to apologize and ask how D is feeling, the reply is nil. But one thing all 4 know is that D isn't happy.

As all these things happened, all 4 seemed to play a role in poking holes all throughout the ship, sinking the ship faster and faster. All have good intention, but somehow all seemed to minsunderstand each other and getting upset to easily, behaving in a rather self-destructive manner. In a situation like these, the best thing to do (IMHO) would be that all 4 sit down calmly and discuss bout the problems rationally instead of resolving to each own's self-righteousness. Maybe we can patch things up then and prevent this voyage to the sea as the last one we'll ever have. The destination should have been Fun and Relaxation and Company, not Death of Friendships.

I'm open to talk bout this calmly now. We all can discuss bout this openly with MSN. Tell me when u guys are all free so we can meet up and sort things out. I dun want things to get more worse than it is already. It's all juz a huge clump of misunderstandings.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005


I lost about RM 1000+... B1-17-6 break-in... The entire plan is amazingly executed, considering me and my housemates are in different groups in OSCE... I went for the morning test, while theirs were later, but in between there's about an hour where none of us could possibly be at home, since I was quarantined after the test. The way they enter the house was very complex too: break the grills of the window of the unit NEXT DOOR, go to the middle room and climb out thru the window there, stepped on a narrow slab of stone about 10 cm wide and 17 floors above ground level, break into my room from my window, steal all our money and escaped the same way...


The timing and execution of the plan are so perfect, we all have our own suspicions... These people KNOW which batch we're from, these people KNOW we're having OSCE, and these people KNOW about the quarantine, and these people KNOW bout the architecture of the units...

We can't help but suspect the guards (make that 'guards') are the culprits... And I can't help but suspect if there is some inside connection with some staffs or students of IMU...

Tuesday, July 19, 2005


I'm feeling really guilty and disturbed now...

It's the exam week, and I've merely finished one quarter of it. There's 3 more tests to go which contribute a significant amount of marks. Before this exam week, I've push myself on and on to my very edge, absorbing as much detail as I can in the very limited span of time. OK, I'll admit it, it's not as consistent as it sounds, as I've period of accelerated study rate and times when I juz feel like throwing all my notes away like repulsive thrash. Yet I keep on pushing myself...

And now that it's the exam week, it only makes sense if I'm currently at the very peak of the 'study momentum' rite? To my utmost horror, it's the direct opposite. All the facts that were once interesting to me become incredibly boring and repulsive, and all my instincts tell me are to run far far away from anything that's medically related. I've worked hard for all these 3 semesters in order to be in the Dean's List, a dream I have since years before I even entered Med School (view link). So far, everything's on track and all... And now that EOS 3 is here... I don't care anymore!

Hours juz passed me by when I can easily read up my notes on the highly probable questions that might come out in the exam, but I wasted them all complately doing almost nothing related to studies. I know the time I spend on this last minute revision could sufficiently boost my results, but heck I juz dun give a damn about it anymore. Somehow it feels so HORRIBLY sickening to pick up the notes to read up again, eventhough I've forgotten much of them after the obscene amount of facts we're expected to know by heart. I've read them so SO many times, but I can nv retain them for more than a few weeks the most. Somehow I can't help but feel that wat's the point of putting so much effort into studying when u're gonna forget most of it by the time of exam anyway?

Yet at the same time, I have to ask myself: how much effort have I put into my studies exactly? During my study break, I've spent countless hours reading comics, watching movies, reading about personality types, surfing for movie trailers etc, while some of my peers dedicated most of the waking hours studying, without complaining anything. Dun they deserve to get better results than me? Definitely, as I've always believe that the results u get is a reflection of how much effort and willpower you put into the work...

But is it? I've known extraordinary hardworking ppl to have continuously fail their exam, and self-confessed slackers/ persistent failers who pass their overall finals. When I say their super-hardworking, I really mean it. These guys spent so much of their time studying and preparing their amazingly well researched notes, revising the syllabus for countless hours... yet failing in the very end. And the slackers... they made it thru all the way with minimal fuss (some did go thru a resits and all, but hell, they deserve it rite, considering their lack of hardwork?)!

And so I come to my point, the reason behind my guilt: I am one of those slackers. Comparing myself to some of my peers, I'm relatively much less dedicated to my studies than they are. I've spant less time with my revision and all, though I have to say that I believe I've spent sufficient quality time revising. Yet, relatively, they deserve good results so much more than me... But as it turns out, I happened to get some better results in comparison to them... Some of them even failed, while I've managed to keep my head above the water all this while...

Don't get me wrong, I'm not boasting about myself here. In fact, I dun even notice it, until my friends around me talk to me or mentioned to me about this... Things like "I really pray that everyone will get the results they deserve... Oh no... Wait wait no no, I really have to pass this!" And "It's so sickening to get poor marks even after u've given so much effort... It's as if the grade in the results slip is mocking at u 'haha, a B+! That's the highest u can get after all your efforts!'"


I used to believe that if there's a will, there's a way... I used to scorn at the ideas of things like destiny and fate... But now I'm really unsure about all of these... If efforts doesn't guarantee good results, what does? Ingenuity? Logic? Common sense? The ability to discern wat the examiners want from you?

All answers are unsatisfactory to me... There a really elusive element somewhere... there. Can what some ppl say be true? That... Good doctors are born, not made? That... there are some things that... you juz have in you, while others, no matter how hard they tried, dun?

I can't accept this, really... Especially when I'm categorized into the somehow slacking but possibly 'gifted' (I mean that sarcastically) group, which is more 'blessed' than the hardworking but only having fruitless labours one?!

...This makes no sense!!!


Monday, July 18, 2005


To all who are interested in reading a really penetrating and insightful political and anthropological analysis of Malaysia by a really good and bold political scientist, check this out:

Writing the Malaysian Story

This is a really REALLY good article, and I'm throughoutly impressed by the boldness and sharp thinking of Dr. Farish Noor. If only we have more thinkers like him in M'sia... Sigh...

Wednesday, July 13, 2005


Juz realize something about myself:

Not only I have the tendency to idealize my friends around me (which I realize after I read about my personality type), but I also have a tremendous potential to villainize ppl whom I felt has betrayed me or ppl who respect none of my values.

I seemed to picture them in my worst imaginable way, one who not only don't share my values, but one who have all the opposite attributes of one I considered virtuous. Seems a bit scary huh, all or nothing...

Oh well, gotta get back to study. Time is running out, and there's a lot more to cover.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005


No point doing something if it only worsen the situation. I'll remain totally oblivious of this issue from now onwards. Heck, I'm only doing wat I feel is the best. But since endless streams of confusing signals are the only things I got after all these, I shall juz take everything in from now onwards without any output.

Belittle?! Wat belittle? The only wrong I've done was magnifying it too much. The only wrong I've done was trying so hard to do wat I feel is the right thing to do. And the only 'rights' I got from these vary from pessimistic comments & cynical remarks.

Argh. I don't care anymore. No point. I'll juz let this issue disappear from my concern. And juz hope that everything else will be intact. I dun want to lose everything, and therefore this will have to go.

Certain differences in life juz can't be resolved by reasoning or arguments. There may juz be no common grounds at all in certain topics. No point seeking for one. Might as well accept them without any thought in order to save the whole.

Case closed. Status: Unsolved/ Who cares.

Friday, July 08, 2005


Sigh... So relieved that everything turns out ok (or at least, better than nothing)... You know, they say that "It is necessary only for the good man to do nothing for evil to triumph." I kinda agree with that statement now, though in this case, it's more of an injustice than evil. But ya, actions have to be taken to prevent bad stuff from happening.

Sometimes, I really dun understand how ppl can be so unwilling to stand up and make a statement for a change. They juz seem so... resigned to their fate. When an outrageous policy or rule came out, they grumble and curse and complain about it, but take no actions to change it. Or when totally illogical rules has been applied forcefully to them for a long time, they do nothing to rise up against them, prefering the status quo, or the annoying "hey, things have always been like that." attitude.

If everyone has a mentality like that, there would be no Boston Tea Party, nor the Independence of India, nor the Gunpowder Plot (though personally I dun agree with Guy Fawkes method, and the plot nv came true anyway), and the world would be in a much darker state (or would it? Debatable). We really need more ppl out there to stand out and face all the gunfires so that change is possible... I dread for the day when all such species will be extinct or removed before the ideas even hatched, like the world of George Orwell's 1984... Well, at least with have Live 8 now!!!

Juz wanna share a quote with everyone b4 I end this. It's a slogan by the Suffragette, short, concise, and inspiring:

"Deeds, not words!"

Monday, July 04, 2005


It's juz feel so shitty when u know that ur friend is having some problems and there's absolutely nothing u can do that help him out. All the words that u say felt like as if they're all completely bouncing off the wall, creating zero impact. It gets worse when u realize that after giving advices and comforts that don't work, u dunno how to stop the entire empathy thing.

I wonder if I've caused more harm than good in the end when I withdraw the hey-i'm-here-to-help-you-out talk. People can be so mysterious and incomprehensible sometimes, myself included. Still, I'll appreciate if someone juz leave the door sign "I'm feeling shitty now, and all I need is to be alone. Don't worry, I'd be alright..." when they need some time alone.

Don't juz shut the door on my face! It juz leave me puzzled and confused, feeling totally stupid and helpless, clueless about wat to do next. It's torturing, to say the least, wondering if I've juz make things worse without that useless talk of mine. Still, I can vaguely understand how sometimes we juz need some time alone...

As for now, there's only 1 thing I could possibly do...

Waiting patiently outside the door for him to come out... Come out to face the world... For better or worse.

Saturday, July 02, 2005


...Started studying from 1am (yes, am, in the midnight) and stopped at 10am (yes, am, in the morning) and went to bed to sleep (yes, sleep, not nap, in the morning). Woke up at 6pm (yes, pm, in the evening) and my 1st thought is study again (yes, study, not brushing my teeth or eating 'breakfast')...

I hate this life... Man, sem 3 can really mess up ur life...

All I hope now is to pass the stupid EOS 3 Finals and have 2 months of semester break, far far away from anything distinctly Medical. I'll puke if I get more of it. Don't get me wrong, I'm still very interested in Medicine. But all these study-all-the-time everyday routine is making me sick, and I really need some time off.

Enough is enough. I need a break.