Thursday, April 28, 2005


My life is getting more and more routine... Everyday it's waking up late in the morning, lunch at Food Ave, boring and dull lectures till 3.45pm, afternoon nap for 2 hours, dinner, then studies, and sometimes (on 2nd thought, make that 'often') makan at mamak with friends late late at night. Other than the mamak part, I really really really feel sick and tired of the same routine everyday... I want my life back!

They say studying Medicine can be a dehumanizing process. I have to agree with that. When one immerse himself in memorising all the facts and signs of diseases and microorganisms and parasites and drugs and biochemistry, it is inevitable that one will be feel so saturated with the facts that he begins to lose himself. I think I'm losing a grip on my identity, no, my very existence, here. I dun feel like an individual anymore, but more like a part of a crowd of study-weary ppl, all desperately yearning for a break that won't come until the horrifying finals is over in 84 days time, and that is only if we pass the horror of horrors in a med school called IMU.

But this is the path that I've chosen to take, and I'm fully aware of the challenges that I have to go thru even b4 I entered med school. I have no regrets watsoever, for I know that this is wat I want, to become a doctor. God pls help me to survive thru all this... I hope I'll still remain sane till the end of this long road...

Monday, April 18, 2005


When I 1st found out that the venue for our CG outing is changed to Pantai Morib, Banting, my initial thought was to avoid the trip. The mere thought of going to that badly polluted and rather bare beach was convincing enough to make me change my mind bout joining this CG outing. But God showed me that as long as the family of God gather together to set apart our time to him, the venue is totally irrelevant. It is the heart that matters.

The trip turned out to be a reflective walk down the memory lane, and also a memorable experience: for this is the very 1st time I witness a full water immersion baptism. In the church where I used to attend, baptism is conducted by sprinkling only a few drops of water on the person's head. Standing in the middle of the sea (the beach is really shallow) and watching my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ getting baptized (not to mention standing on top of a rather slimy and uncomfortable grime) was quite an experience. I can't help but wonder if this is how baptisms in the Sea of Galilee looks like during the time of Jesus...

My father 1st job was in Banting: he was a lorry driver back then. He always get rather sentimental everytime he brought us there, telling us stories of his past, like how he always rushes back to Klang in the evening so that he could take my mum (they were still dating then) to the cinema in time. This is probably my 3rd or 4th time in Banting, but it is the 1st time that I look upon the town and imagine how my father's life was when he was working there. It must have been quite a long way back in time... He have achieve much since then, building up his company from scratch until wat it is now.

The journey to Banting itself has been wonderful too. We sang all kinds of worship songs in the van, and there are many songs sung then that I've not sang for a long long time. Recalling the songs again brought back a lot of fond memories... The times when I 1st joined the youth fellowship in church, all the joy, pain, struggles, disappointments, encouragements, victories... I can't help but felt really sentimental then. The wonderful times, and also the period of depression and despair, and ultimately the time of re-commitment and maturity... Things that were lost, and found... Years-long prayers that have finally been answered... Praise God for all that!

We took a wrong turn on the way back from Banting, and ended up in Jenjarom. I was musing if we would pass by this particular place during the ride, and to my pleasent surprise, we did! When I caught sight of the buildings, I know at once that I've been to this place, 7 years back, when I'm still waiting for my UPSR results. It is a Buddhist temple/monastery, and I've went there back then for a Buddhist camp which my aunt practically forced me to go. Some of the memories are rather pleasent, like all the obstable course the scouts of the town has prepared for us (kinda like a cross between Broga Camp & IMU Orientation); others are less pleasent but nevertheless memorable: like having to pour water into ur plate after u finish ur meal and drink it up so that nothing will be wasted (imagine doing that after a meal of FRIED noodle). Look at the buildings with nostalgia, I can't help but wonder how many ppl have been there, seeking Truth as I was in the past, and I wonder how many of them realize that the answers can only be found at some other place...

I guess this entry must have been really disconnected and vague... But I guess this is how memory is. Not so much of a series of clear pictures arranged chronogically, but more of a recalling of strong emotions associated with images in a random fashion. Like a kaleidoscope...

Yup, a kaleidoscope of memories...

Sunday, April 17, 2005


I've come to realize that perhaps there isn't any unlikeable person in the world after all, just that there are some that we do not understand. It's harder to dislike someone who is hated by many once we get to know them better. It's funny how I would once join in the crowd to hurl all kinds of insults and come up with all kinds of gossips bout her, but now that I've seen the nice side of her, I can't help but suspect that I juz dun really know her well...

She dun deserve the insults she got, cuz she juz isn't that kind of person. Somehow her public image juz got distorted everytime she's out there speaking to the crowd. Perhaps it's juz her nature to be authorative and taking control of the situation... I know if someone told me to juz stop being hyper and loud, I would juz tell him that it's impossible, cuz that IS me. Maybe it's the same for her...

Many have criticized and talked bad about her, and I can see that she really is deeply affected by them, and she juz doesn't deserve them... Perhaps if all of us can look at ourselves b4 we 'pass judgements' on others, we can understand juz how hurtful and wrong our words are...

Sunday, April 10, 2005


To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:7-9

My soul is filled with an incredible sense of peace for the past few weeks, praise God! Yes, now I'm sure that God has gave me the answer to my prayers. It is totally unexpected, I must admit, and although I know the 'whys', I'm still trying to find out 'how', so that God's name can be glorified. I used to think that he would remove or resolve my problem, but now I realize that it's there so that I'll be more dependent on him; so that my faith on his grace will increase!

If this is his will, than I'll submit to it. Nevertheless, I think God is telling me to share my burden to a fellow brother as well, one whom I can trust completely, one who would understand my plight. And I think I know juz the person to look for... If only I could gather the courage to do so.

I guess none of us feel comfortable exposing our weaknesses to others, cuz it makes us so vulnerable and all. Yet, I can't help but be reminded of Psalms 27:1-

The LORD is my light and my salvation-
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life-
of whom shall I be afraid?

Oh how I longed to juz let it out to someone! Yet at the same time, I can't help but fear if the timing is right... and if the person is willing to share this burden of mine, since he seems to be drowned in his own private problems...

Perhaps it's God's will for the both of us to help each other out... Guess I'll juz have to wait upon God till then... And wait I shall!