Saturday, July 22, 2006

Numbers Are Illusions

We now have, unlike original Christianity, a complete cast of bishops, deans, and pastors; educated clergy, degree and all, talented, gifted, humanly well-meaning. They all preach with tremendous confidence – doing it well, very well, stupendously well, tolerably well, or badly – but not one of them lives in character with the Christianity of the New Testament. This grand cast of characters accomplishes one thing: it gives rise to a false impression that because we have such a complete cast we must of course have Christianity, too.

We also have what one might call a complete inventory of church buildings, bells, organs, pews, altars, pulpits, offering plates, and so on. But when Christianity does not exist, this inventory, so far from being an advantage, is a peril, because it is so very likely to give rise to the false impression that we must have Christianity, too.

The illusion of a Christian nation, a Christian “people,” masses of Christians, is no doubt due to the power that numbers exercise over the imagination. And yet how many are able to say of their Christian acquaintances that they are truly Christians in the New Testament sense, or that their lives are even close to resembling those of the first disciples. But when there are thousands upon thousands who confess to being Christian, one becomes easily confused. Perhaps we are all Christians after all. Why be so harsh?

This brings to mind a ridiculous story about an innkeeper. It is said that this innkeeper sold his beer by the bottle for a cent less than it cost him. When a certain man said to him, “How does that balance the account? You’re losing money,” he replied, “No, my friend, it’s the big number that counts.”

When you have finished laughing at this story, you would do well to take its lesson to heart, which warns against the power that numbers exercise over the imagination. No doubt this innkeeper knew very well that one bottle of beer at 3 cents meant a loss of 1 cent since it cost him 4 cents. And, no doubt, he realized that selling 10 bottles also meant a loss. But 100,000 bottles!

Here the big number stirs the imagination. The innkeeper becomes dazed. It’s a profit, he says, for the big number does it. So also with every calculation that arrives at a Christian nation, and dare I also say at a church, by adding up units which are not Christian, getting impressed with the results by means of the notion that it is the big number that counts!

Numbers are the most dangerous of all illusions. Inasmuch as Christianity is spirit, the honesty of eternity, there is nothing its detective eye is so suspicious of as of Christian states, Christian lands, Christian endeavors, Christian movements, a Christian people, and (how marvelous!) a Christian world. Even if there were something true in this talk about Christian peoples and cultures, everything this world has up to this point seen in the way of criminal affairs is a mere nursery rhyme in comparison with this crime.

Christ requires followers and defines precisely what he means by this. They are to be salt, willing to be sacrificed. But to be salt and to be sacrificed is not something that the thousands naturally go for, still less millions, or (still less!) countries, kingdoms, states, and (absolutely not!) the whole world. On the other hand, if it is a question of size, mediocrity, and of lots of talk, then the possibility of the thing begins; then bring on the thousands, increase them to the millions – no, go forth and make the world Christian.

The New Testament alone, not numbers, settles what Christianity is, leaving it to eternity to pass judgment upon us. It is simply impossible to define faith on the basis of what people in general like best and prefer to call Christianity. As soon as we do this, Christianity is automatically done away with. There are, in the end, only two ways open to us: to honestly and honorably make an admission of how far we are from the Christianity of the New Testament, or to perform skillful tricks to conceal the true situation, tricks to conjure up a forgery whereby Christianity is the prevailing religion in the land.

Honestly, New Testament Christianity simply does not exist. If the human race would rise in rebellion against God and cast Christianity away from it, it would not be nearly so dangerous as this clever way of making Christians of everybody and giving this activity the appearance of zeal for the truth. This is nothing but a scoffing at God by offering him thanks for bestowing his blessing upon the progress that Christianity was making.

- Soren Kierkegaard
excerpts from Attack Upon "Christendom"

Kierkegaard's entry mirrors my thoughts on megachurches who boast of their numbers, as if that's a miraculous sign of a 'revival'. I say, it has too many 'impressive' theatrical effects but a cold, empty core. I'd rather see a face I know turn to God after years of doubts and struggle than to see hundreds of people crowding to the altar in tears and being 'slain' because they're moved by the pastor's 'powerful' speech. One just can't rule out for certain whether the entire reaction is caused by mass hysteria instead of a sincere, conscious choice of an individual to reach out for God. I fear many of the 'newly-converted' would doubt their decision days after the event when the speakers and the crowds that were so affirming are no longer around them...

Friday, July 21, 2006

The Calm After the Storm

It is finished.

* Long, weary exhale *

After months of apathy, weeks of panic attacks, and days of insomnia, boredom and depression, I am glad that my sanity remains intact... At least I think it still is... (Note to self: May need an external observer to verify that.)

Goodbye Medicine! See you again in 6 months in New Zealand! I'm gonna grasp all the oppurtunities I have now to do things I have longed to do all these while. Will plan the details later.

As for this blog, I have a lot of things in mind to write about for the next few weeks; But right now, I juz wanna enjoy my long-deserved rest after going thru such a traumatic period of last minute studies and fear of failure.

Till then, have fun everyone!

P.S. Oh I'm quite optimistic about my results. Thanks for all the prayers and support! Really appreciate them.

Monday, July 17, 2006

EOS 5 Has Arrived

Well, here it is, the long-dreaded yet long-hoped to pass End of Semester 5 exams, starting today till 20th July, Thursday. The last exams I'll be having in IMU... that is, if I pass...

I'm holding my breathe...

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

The Obstacle

"The thing is to understand myself, to see what God really wishes me to do; the thing is to find a truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die... an imperative of understanding must be taken up into my life, and that is what I now recognise as the most important thing. That is what my soul longs after, as the African desert thirsts for water... What is truth but to live for an idea?"

- Soren Kierkegaard

In that few sentences, Kierkegaard summarised, in the most eloquent manner, the very same passion of my life - my quest for truth, and my strivings to live up to it. Ever since my discovery of Kierkegaard's ideas and writings, I have move forward by a huge step in this lifelong quest of mine. But as time pass, I'm becoming increasingly aware of an element which I lack which would make all my attempts to live up for the truth which I have embraced futile - humility.

Ah, humility - Such a wondrous, admirable virtue, and yet, how much despair has it has evoked within me! For to become nothing before God seems like an impossible task for me, for a willful person like me. Instead of getting inspired when I am edified concerning the importance of humility, I shrunk back in horror and despair as I realized how sinkingly low I am in comparison to God's standard! I despair for the very fact that my passion may not be compatible with my self after all!

What's stopping me from learning to be humble? Anger, intense fury. Anger at the injustice that has been done by the people and the world around me. Anger at the self-righteousness and hypocrisy I'm seeing everywhere. Anger at the restriction of freedom by societal norm and expectations. Anger for the world's consistent pushings to make everyone a conforming zombie. Anger, intense fury.

What am I supposed to do? Retire from the world and live a hermit's life, away from the world which I have come to hate? Or to renounce all my sense of self that has become increasingly conscious because of my anger and alienation from my surroundings? I can't see how I can learn humility unless I can first sever all my ties from the world. And that, I can't, I just can't...