We judge. All the time. And it takes someone else's harsh judgement of me (or rather, of a particular characteristic of me that he's not aware of) to make me realize I have always judged his kind likewise.

God have mercy on me. Is there any hope for humanity?

God is Too Big

A classmate of mine used to wear a T-shirt that says: "God is too big to fit into just one religion", with the all the symbols of the world's major religions above it.

The more I think about it, the more I think that the line should read "God is too big to fit into Religion(s)".

Distressing Thoughts

I am having great difficulties trying to reconciliate the huge differences between the God of the Old Testament and Jesus. While it's easy to see the divinity in Christ's wisdom and acts, I find it tough to see Christ's humility and compassion in the God of the Old Testament.

While I can understand a God who abhors evil and wants only the best for the people, I just can't bring myself to accept a God who intentionally breaks down the unity of Mankind at the height of their humanistic achievement in the construction of Babel; A God who humiliate another faith's adherents by showing off his powers - casting flames down from the heavens; A God who sanctioned a community of people to conquer another nation's land; A God who commanded his people to perform ethnic cleansing and various genocides.

As much as it causes me distress to list them all down, these troublesome thoughts have been plaguing me for months. While I proudly strive to imitate Christ, I am gradually accumulating my perplexity (and God forbid, disatisfaction) towards the God of the Old Testament. I really don't know what am I to do with these... excess baggages.

The Lamb and the Tyger

Here are two poems by the same author, William Blake. I am awestruck by the contrast between the childlike faith & the religious horror; and in a strange (& uncomfortable) way, I can relate to them.

The Lamb (from the Songs of Innocence)

Little Lamb who made thee
Dost thou know who made thee
Gave thee life & bid thee feed.
By the stream & o'er the mead;
Gave thee clothing of delight,
Softest clothing wooly bright;
Gave thee such a tender voice,
Making all the vales rejoice!
Little Lamb who made thee
Dost thou know who made thee

Little Lamb I'll tell thee,
Little Lamb I'll tell thee!
He is called by thy name,
For he calls himself a Lamb:
He is meek & he is mild,
He became a little child:
I a child & thou a lamb,
We are called by his name.
Little Lamb God bless thee.
Little Lamb God bless thee.


The Tyger (from the Songs of Experience)

Tyger Tyger, burning bright,
In the forests of the night;
What immortal hand or eye,
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies.
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?  
On what wings dare he aspire?  
What the hand, dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder, & what art,
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? & what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain,
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp,
Dare its deadly terrors clasp!

When the stars threw down their spears
And water'd heaven with their tears:
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

Tyger Tyger burning bright,
In the forests of the night:
What immortal hand or eye,
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

Humanitarian aid or religious propaganda?

Tired

How much further before the leap?

All is Meaningless

Carpe diem.

Seize the day.

So they say.

What if there's nothing worth seizing in life after all?

I'm stuck in this wasteland of meaninglessness, bored almost to the point of senility. Any purposes I created for myself are but short term goals, distracting my thoughts from being fully aware of the futility of life. My preoccupation echoes Job's:

"Why did you bring me out of the womb?
I wish I had died before any eye saw me.
If only I had never come into being,
or had been carried straight from the womb to the grave!"

When you strip away all the grand illusions of doctrines and ceremonies and the made-up sanctity of the church, Christianity is like an empty shell; nay, more like a tomb, where all the lofty ideals have long since decayed or corrupted beyond recognition.

Life on earth is like a vacumn, a Void, where Man wonders around aimlessly, got bored, and decided to team up and do silly things like raising Babel or striking down the twin towers. All the struggles and grief, all the violence and hate, all the indulgence and greed, all the toil and diligence, all amount to nothing, not unlike chasing the wind.

Truly, our existence here on earth is cursed.

And I declared that the dead,
who have already died,
are happier than the living,
who are still alive.

But better than both,
is he who has not yet been,
who has not seen the evil
that is done under the sun."
--Ecclesiastes 4:2-3

Sent for the Lost Sheep

Leaving that place, Jesus withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon. A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is suffering terribly from demon-possession."

Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, "Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us."

He answered, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel."

The woman came and knelt before him. "Lord, help me!" she said.

He replied, "It is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to their dogs."

"Yes, Lord," she said, "but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table."

Then Jesus answered, "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted." And her daughter was healed from that very hour.

MATTHEW 15:21-28

Jesus was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel! How come I've never notice this line in the past! Fascinating really, this line seemed to refute the universality of Christ's supposed message of salvation to all humanity!

Having said that, I gladly go for the crumbs that fell from the table. I may not be an Israelite, but Christ has truly captured my heart.

From Words to Deeds

Reading thru Jesus' parables, I'm amazed by how his words can stir my heart in such a powerful manner, compelling me to act accordingly. And what's more interesting, it stops right there, giving you complete freedom, and full responsibility, to decide how you react to them.

It is that very transition, from words to deeds, that many men falter. It's easy to feel enlightened and moved, but it takes courage and convictions to venture a decisive act, using Kierkegaard's (o-so-poetic) phrase. God/Christ/the Holy Spirit can go far to stir our hearts, but in the end, each individual has to will himself to the ultimate expression of his faith - in his actions.

Submission/ Cooperation

What is the ideal God-Man relationship? One of submission, or one of cooperation? From my own experience, it's always been an ambiguous combination of both. There are times when I knelt prostrate before God, seeking his guidance and forgiveness, and there are times when I feel as if I'm fighting against temptations by actively focusing my will towards the Word of God.

This self-God dichotomy often confuses and frustrated me. When should we let go and rely solely on God, and when do we exercise our faith and will to remain true to the Way? The answer to that has always been elusive to me, like trying to snatch the fog into my hand. Where exactly does the individual and God meet?