Now that 2006 is here, I wanna spend some time reflecting bout some of the changes in perceptions (maturation?) that I have. Throughout year 2005, I've grown increasingly introverted, so much so that I've even surprised myself when I think about it. It feels good to have some space to myself, and juz sharing some of it with only a few of my closer friends, rather than mixing with everyone around the table and engage myself with their varied interests and temperaments. I'm still fascinated by the variety of personalities and mentalities in different individuals, it's juz that I'm exploring now in a slower pace.
However, it is a bit sad, and perhaps regretful, to see that how easily many of my friendships juz start to fade away as I pull myself further away from the spotlight. Come to think about it, I rarely made any lasting friendships throughout my life: I've been moving too fast to actually stick around with them long enough for deep friendships to be bonded. Or was it that I feel trapped in these entangling relationships that I juz wanna break free from them and start anew?
I've come to realize how my friendships with people correlates closely to the different phases in my life: primary school friends during my primary school years, college friends during college year etc. I keep having a new set of friends everytime I move on the another phase of my life. Geography and course differences are hardly the reason why I'm increasing estranged with friends of the last phase; I juz move on without really care about whether my old friends are with me or not. They juz... fade away from my preoccupation. Even now, as I imagine about how my life would be when I'm studying abroad, there's 1 thing I know for sure: I will not keep in touch with many of my currents friends when I've entered 'the next phase'. Sad, but true.
I only realized how some people can maintain long-term friendships when I see how a friend of mine received so many calls from his past acquitances until he sometimes have a phobia to answer some of their calls! Lol. Honestly, having a friend who called you all the way from Scotland juz to wish you a Happy New Year and to check things out with one another... that's juz amazing. Hell, I won't even bother sms my friends, wishing them Merry Christmas or Happy CNY or anything like that! Maybe they're all juz too mundane to me, all the festivals and stuff. They're juz an excuse for a holiday break! >=)
...So, now what? Should I embark on a quest to forge stronger friendships with people around me? I can't help but wonder, "Does it matter really?" Well, ya, I can't live without being surrounded by people, but neither do I enjoy being obligated to countless people for some silly trivialities. Must friendships be so demanding? I always see it as a 'giving' thing than an 'receiving' thing. I wonder why I have to forfeit my freedom to do what I feel like to sometimes juz to fulfill some bizarre 'friendship obligations' that I understand nothing about.
Guess I'll juz go along the flow now and see what life has to teach me. In the mean time, que sera, sera!
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