The Obstacle

"The thing is to understand myself, to see what God really wishes me to do; the thing is to find a truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die... an imperative of understanding must be taken up into my life, and that is what I now recognise as the most important thing. That is what my soul longs after, as the African desert thirsts for water... What is truth but to live for an idea?"

- Soren Kierkegaard

In that few sentences, Kierkegaard summarised, in the most eloquent manner, the very same passion of my life - my quest for truth, and my strivings to live up to it. Ever since my discovery of Kierkegaard's ideas and writings, I have move forward by a huge step in this lifelong quest of mine. But as time pass, I'm becoming increasingly aware of an element which I lack which would make all my attempts to live up for the truth which I have embraced futile - humility.

Ah, humility - Such a wondrous, admirable virtue, and yet, how much despair has it has evoked within me! For to become nothing before God seems like an impossible task for me, for a willful person like me. Instead of getting inspired when I am edified concerning the importance of humility, I shrunk back in horror and despair as I realized how sinkingly low I am in comparison to God's standard! I despair for the very fact that my passion may not be compatible with my self after all!

What's stopping me from learning to be humble? Anger, intense fury. Anger at the injustice that has been done by the people and the world around me. Anger at the self-righteousness and hypocrisy I'm seeing everywhere. Anger at the restriction of freedom by societal norm and expectations. Anger for the world's consistent pushings to make everyone a conforming zombie. Anger, intense fury.

What am I supposed to do? Retire from the world and live a hermit's life, away from the world which I have come to hate? Or to renounce all my sense of self that has become increasingly conscious because of my anger and alienation from my surroundings? I can't see how I can learn humility unless I can first sever all my ties from the world. And that, I can't, I just can't...