My juvenile instinct has come back to haunt me. The craving to be able to connect to someone else is just too hard to be held back. The longing to be accepted, the need to conform, the yearning to have a common interest with someone else besides... me.
The world's a tough place to be alone. Facing the meaninglessness & futility of life, having a crowd you can blend into could really drown off the awful sense of isolation that pervades one life. Sometimes I'm frustrated as to why I (one of the few among many) have to become so acutely aware of the meaninglessness of existence. True, in a way is was a liberation to take that leapt of faith, but it also leads to a wretched mode of life as well, to be constantly in a state of despair, and knowing all things in life are merely a distraction from the awful abyss of nothingness.
In times like these, traces of doubts frequently cross my mind... Why is God so silent amidst the darkness of this world? Where was the light that once shine so brightly even when the darkness comprehends it not? Where are the pillar of light, the splitting of the Red Sea, the Ark of the Covenant, the fall of Jericho, the resurrection of Lazarus, the Transfiguration, the ascension to Heaven?
Whatever happens to "even though you do not believe me, believe the miracles, that you may know and understand that the Father is in me, and I in the Father"? The world mocks Doubting Thomas for his lack of faith, but I for one could totally emphatize him (I'm a Thomas too, aren't I?). How do you hold on to faith in the face of such... complete despair?
2 comments:
This is a long shot but maybe you might want to have a word with Chow (our batch punya)?
From his recent posts he seems to be doing pretty well on his existence. Of course, I believe, his aim is to be enlightenment so there may be some contradictory stuff but hey, may help get you out of your rut.
Cheers
each of us have to deal with our own existential angst. what is true for him is unnecessary true for me.
truth is subjectivity, as kierkegaard puts it.
i've been disillusioned by all the explanations of truths offered by all kinds of people, and i've come to suspect that maybe there is nothing to hold on to in this world. we each have to strive for values we created for ourselves, no matter how unstable this articial 'meaning' is...
nevertheless, thanks for the suggestion. i've been there, and posted some comments in one of the post. i have difficulty with the long entries though hahaha.
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