Dark Times Ahead

Is the world falling away from me, or am I falling away from the world?

Who's holding the driver's wheel? Definitely not me.

Am I stuck in a quicksand? Or am I moving at full speed towards oblivion?

. . . . . .

Great. I'm entering another Dark Age again. Like how I was before I found Christ, and another one before I found Kierkegaard.

Excuse me as I disappear/go into hiding for awhile.

Dark times ahead.

...to stupefy themselves...

“People go to church for the same reasons they go to a tavern: to stupefy themselves, to forget their misery, to imagine themselves, for a few minutes anyway, free and happy."

-- Mikhail Bakunin

This is probably one of the funniest quote I've ever came across which I also find most incredibly true - as I can personally testify for that. I am amazed myself with how far we're willing to deceive ourself in order to feel insulated, belonged and happy in a community.

"This has to be said; so let it now be said. Whoever you are, whatever in other respects your life may be, my friend, by ceasing to take part in the public worship of God, as it now is (with the claim that it is the Christianity of the New Testament), you have constantly one guilt the less, and that a great one: you do not take part in treating God as a fool."

-- Soren Kierkegaard

Babel

Humanity is a mess. War, genocide, xenophobia, racism, prejudice, it seems that we can never achieve true unity among our species. I can't help but if God intended humanity to be this messy.

After all, was he not the one who creates division among humans during the Babel incident? By 'confusing our languages', God's intervention leads to the genesis of different culture & languages, religions & ethnicities. Is it not reasonable to reason that the inevitable conflicts between these different subgroups are (at least partly) God's handiwork?

I have never understand the story of Babel. What is God's ultimate purpose in causing a split (multiple splits?) within the human race? And why then, if it is his will that we will never be achieve true unity, did Christ pray for us to be one?

Perhaps the story of Babel is merely a man-made myth...?

Losing my religion

Things are becoming obvious now. I've spent the whole year in limbo, and now I finally see - I have a decision to make.

Now I have to choose between surrendering myself to nihilism (Nietzsche's words are incredibly seductive), or taking a Kierkegaardian leap of faith to... only God knows where. The tension of having to choose between the two extremes is causing an unbearable anguish within me: I've been neglecting my everyday life.

But one thing's for sure: I'm losing my religion. I can no longer hold on to my old beliefs. A change must come; which one?

Why I can't be a...

Steve Jones over at Ethical Monotheism posted 3 insightful entries on why he can't be a catholic, liberal christian or evangelical christian. I've been thru similar stages myself, critical on one denomination before switching sides and criticizing the denomination I was from, and eventually culminated with where I am now: critical with the very concept of mass worship.

Mind you I'm not condemning all churchgoers to be lost souls. It's just that I find it hard to have an authentic relationship with God if I'm required to give up my personal faith in order to achieve conformity with the crowd. I'm convinced that there are saints among the churchgoers, but I also believe that God meant some of us to be closer to him thru segregation from the crowd rather than be one with the whole.

Here are the links to the blog entries:

Why I can't be a Roman Catholic

Why I can't be a Liberal Christian

Why I can't be an Evangelical Christian

The Inwardness of Faith

If there's one thing I'm unforgivingly critical about 'community believers', it is the obsession with sensationalism. All the excitements over miraculous healing and spiritual revival and remarkable last minute rescues in times of trouble. Heck it's almost as if they're trying to force an impression that God is so amazingly involved in our daily lives, that the supernatural keeps invading into our natural world!

But faith to me seems to be increasing unsensationalistic to me. It is merely holding onto ones belief in the face of all obstacles and adversaries. No miraculous return of sight to the blind motivates me to believe, no fulfillment of prophesy that assure me about the inerrancy of the Scripture, no speaking in tongues or divine ecstasty that lead me to 'jump into the abyss of Faith's seventy thousand fathoms', as Kierkegaard puts it so colourfully.

It is merely, a choice. A choice of the utmost internal significance and struggle, without all the excessively sensational external display. Blind to all others except the innermost core of my existence.

The Irrationality of Faith

Faith is, ultimately, irrational. I cannot give any defense at all to my faith in Christ. It is simply a decision I've made, and nothing more can be said about Christ that lead me to embrace him.

Anyone who attempts to introduce rationality into Christianity do so in futility, as all they achieve is to bring about more contradictions in their quest for a consistent, logical foundation of their faith. Apologetics is bunk.

But the beautiful thing is, even with all the laughable attempts by these misguided fools, people still hold on to faith amidst all the contradictions. I guess that is the essence of faith, to believe sincerely in the face of absolute irrationality.

Surfacing Doubts

My juvenile instinct has come back to haunt me. The craving to be able to connect to someone else is just too hard to be held back. The longing to be accepted, the need to conform, the yearning to have a common interest with someone else besides... me.

The world's a tough place to be alone. Facing the meaninglessness & futility of life, having a crowd you can blend into could really drown off the awful sense of isolation that pervades one life. Sometimes I'm frustrated as to why I (one of the few among many) have to become so acutely aware of the meaninglessness of existence. True, in a way is was a liberation to take that leapt of faith, but it also leads to a wretched mode of life as well, to be constantly in a state of despair, and knowing all things in life are merely a distraction from the awful abyss of nothingness.

In times like these, traces of doubts frequently cross my mind... Why is God so silent amidst the darkness of this world? Where was the light that once shine so brightly even when the darkness comprehends it not? Where are the pillar of light, the splitting of the Red Sea, the Ark of the Covenant, the fall of Jericho, the resurrection of Lazarus, the Transfiguration, the ascension to Heaven?

Whatever happens to "even though you do not believe me, believe the miracles, that you may know and understand that the Father is in me, and I in the Father"? The world mocks Doubting Thomas for his lack of faith, but I for one could totally emphatize him (I'm a Thomas too, aren't I?). How do you hold on to faith in the face of such... complete despair?