We judge. All the time. And it takes someone else's harsh judgement of me (or rather, of a particular characteristic of me that he's not aware of) to make me realize I have always judged his kind likewise.

God have mercy on me. Is there any hope for humanity?

God is Too Big

A classmate of mine used to wear a T-shirt that says: "God is too big to fit into just one religion", with the all the symbols of the world's major religions above it.

The more I think about it, the more I think that the line should read "God is too big to fit into Religion(s)".

Distressing Thoughts

I am having great difficulties trying to reconciliate the huge differences between the God of the Old Testament and Jesus. While it's easy to see the divinity in Christ's wisdom and acts, I find it tough to see Christ's humility and compassion in the God of the Old Testament.

While I can understand a God who abhors evil and wants only the best for the people, I just can't bring myself to accept a God who intentionally breaks down the unity of Mankind at the height of their humanistic achievement in the construction of Babel; A God who humiliate another faith's adherents by showing off his powers - casting flames down from the heavens; A God who sanctioned a community of people to conquer another nation's land; A God who commanded his people to perform ethnic cleansing and various genocides.

As much as it causes me distress to list them all down, these troublesome thoughts have been plaguing me for months. While I proudly strive to imitate Christ, I am gradually accumulating my perplexity (and God forbid, disatisfaction) towards the God of the Old Testament. I really don't know what am I to do with these... excess baggages.

The Lamb and the Tyger

Here are two poems by the same author, William Blake. I am awestruck by the contrast between the childlike faith & the religious horror; and in a strange (& uncomfortable) way, I can relate to them.

The Lamb (from the Songs of Innocence)

Little Lamb who made thee
Dost thou know who made thee
Gave thee life & bid thee feed.
By the stream & o'er the mead;
Gave thee clothing of delight,
Softest clothing wooly bright;
Gave thee such a tender voice,
Making all the vales rejoice!
Little Lamb who made thee
Dost thou know who made thee

Little Lamb I'll tell thee,
Little Lamb I'll tell thee!
He is called by thy name,
For he calls himself a Lamb:
He is meek & he is mild,
He became a little child:
I a child & thou a lamb,
We are called by his name.
Little Lamb God bless thee.
Little Lamb God bless thee.


The Tyger (from the Songs of Experience)

Tyger Tyger, burning bright,
In the forests of the night;
What immortal hand or eye,
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies.
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?  
On what wings dare he aspire?  
What the hand, dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder, & what art,
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? & what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain,
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp,
Dare its deadly terrors clasp!

When the stars threw down their spears
And water'd heaven with their tears:
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

Tyger Tyger burning bright,
In the forests of the night:
What immortal hand or eye,
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

Humanitarian aid or religious propaganda?

Tired

How much further before the leap?

All is Meaningless

Carpe diem.

Seize the day.

So they say.

What if there's nothing worth seizing in life after all?

I'm stuck in this wasteland of meaninglessness, bored almost to the point of senility. Any purposes I created for myself are but short term goals, distracting my thoughts from being fully aware of the futility of life. My preoccupation echoes Job's:

"Why did you bring me out of the womb?
I wish I had died before any eye saw me.
If only I had never come into being,
or had been carried straight from the womb to the grave!"

When you strip away all the grand illusions of doctrines and ceremonies and the made-up sanctity of the church, Christianity is like an empty shell; nay, more like a tomb, where all the lofty ideals have long since decayed or corrupted beyond recognition.

Life on earth is like a vacumn, a Void, where Man wonders around aimlessly, got bored, and decided to team up and do silly things like raising Babel or striking down the twin towers. All the struggles and grief, all the violence and hate, all the indulgence and greed, all the toil and diligence, all amount to nothing, not unlike chasing the wind.

Truly, our existence here on earth is cursed.

And I declared that the dead,
who have already died,
are happier than the living,
who are still alive.

But better than both,
is he who has not yet been,
who has not seen the evil
that is done under the sun."
--Ecclesiastes 4:2-3

Sent for the Lost Sheep

Leaving that place, Jesus withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon. A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is suffering terribly from demon-possession."

Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, "Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us."

He answered, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel."

The woman came and knelt before him. "Lord, help me!" she said.

He replied, "It is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to their dogs."

"Yes, Lord," she said, "but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table."

Then Jesus answered, "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted." And her daughter was healed from that very hour.

MATTHEW 15:21-28

Jesus was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel! How come I've never notice this line in the past! Fascinating really, this line seemed to refute the universality of Christ's supposed message of salvation to all humanity!

Having said that, I gladly go for the crumbs that fell from the table. I may not be an Israelite, but Christ has truly captured my heart.

From Words to Deeds

Reading thru Jesus' parables, I'm amazed by how his words can stir my heart in such a powerful manner, compelling me to act accordingly. And what's more interesting, it stops right there, giving you complete freedom, and full responsibility, to decide how you react to them.

It is that very transition, from words to deeds, that many men falter. It's easy to feel enlightened and moved, but it takes courage and convictions to venture a decisive act, using Kierkegaard's (o-so-poetic) phrase. God/Christ/the Holy Spirit can go far to stir our hearts, but in the end, each individual has to will himself to the ultimate expression of his faith - in his actions.

Submission/ Cooperation

What is the ideal God-Man relationship? One of submission, or one of cooperation? From my own experience, it's always been an ambiguous combination of both. There are times when I knelt prostrate before God, seeking his guidance and forgiveness, and there are times when I feel as if I'm fighting against temptations by actively focusing my will towards the Word of God.

This self-God dichotomy often confuses and frustrated me. When should we let go and rely solely on God, and when do we exercise our faith and will to remain true to the Way? The answer to that has always been elusive to me, like trying to snatch the fog into my hand. Where exactly does the individual and God meet?

Renewal

There's nothing left to seek, it's time to act. Once again, I'm plunging into the unknown. But it feels different this time. I'm more confident in my steps now. Lead the way o lord. Be the light on my path.

Damned if You Do, Damned if You Don't

When the truth hurts, should I keep it to myself, and spare others from being affected by it, even if it means I have to be dishonest to myself? Should one ever jeopardizes his integrity for the sake of others? Should the self seek to reconcile with himself first, or exists in perpetual harmony with his community? Bad faith, or social responsibility?

Choices. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. The future is a black unknown, and when the decision is made, the consequences will fall into places accordingly. Everything in its right place.

Loser

If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.

- JC

Ah such a beautiful ideal. Transpose this to my everyday life:

If someone manipulates you for their own gain, let yourself be manipulated. Don't retaliate, no, don't even resist, even when you are completely aware of how you are being used, just follow the leash lead.

When someone asked to take a look at your logbook which you have meticulously completed with all the attention to details, you will gladly surrender it to them; Knowing that all your hard work will almost certainly be plagiarised within minutes, & completely aware that if discovered both you & that someone will be in deep trouble.

That my friends, is the way of Christ. The way to freedom. Hah, no wonder the world scorn at Christ. To be like Christ, is to be trampled by anyone who wants to take advantage over you, without even putting up a fight. Just as the charismatics love jumping around, claiming they are invincible with God on their side (& all that kind of nonsense), "Christians" around the world are fooling themselves & don't see what it really means to take up the cross & deny thyself -

To be a complete loser.

...Dare I strive to be that kind of person?

The Way: Intro- or Extraversion?

What is the Way? Perfecting the self & chasing after the divine, or love & charity to others? 'Both' is a great theoretical answer, but I've encounter no such living example yet. To manifest the innermost passion into a practical social interaction seems like an impossible feat.

The tension of trying to achieve both at once is strenous to me. Perhaps I've been doing it the wrong way? Did Christ not said, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light"?

Zealousness for God & good intentions to others do not strike me as an existential answer to the meaninglessness of life. What is the 'more' that I've been missing?

Dark Times Ahead

Is the world falling away from me, or am I falling away from the world?

Who's holding the driver's wheel? Definitely not me.

Am I stuck in a quicksand? Or am I moving at full speed towards oblivion?

. . . . . .

Great. I'm entering another Dark Age again. Like how I was before I found Christ, and another one before I found Kierkegaard.

Excuse me as I disappear/go into hiding for awhile.

Dark times ahead.

...to stupefy themselves...

“People go to church for the same reasons they go to a tavern: to stupefy themselves, to forget their misery, to imagine themselves, for a few minutes anyway, free and happy."

-- Mikhail Bakunin

This is probably one of the funniest quote I've ever came across which I also find most incredibly true - as I can personally testify for that. I am amazed myself with how far we're willing to deceive ourself in order to feel insulated, belonged and happy in a community.

"This has to be said; so let it now be said. Whoever you are, whatever in other respects your life may be, my friend, by ceasing to take part in the public worship of God, as it now is (with the claim that it is the Christianity of the New Testament), you have constantly one guilt the less, and that a great one: you do not take part in treating God as a fool."

-- Soren Kierkegaard

Babel

Humanity is a mess. War, genocide, xenophobia, racism, prejudice, it seems that we can never achieve true unity among our species. I can't help but if God intended humanity to be this messy.

After all, was he not the one who creates division among humans during the Babel incident? By 'confusing our languages', God's intervention leads to the genesis of different culture & languages, religions & ethnicities. Is it not reasonable to reason that the inevitable conflicts between these different subgroups are (at least partly) God's handiwork?

I have never understand the story of Babel. What is God's ultimate purpose in causing a split (multiple splits?) within the human race? And why then, if it is his will that we will never be achieve true unity, did Christ pray for us to be one?

Perhaps the story of Babel is merely a man-made myth...?

Losing my religion

Things are becoming obvious now. I've spent the whole year in limbo, and now I finally see - I have a decision to make.

Now I have to choose between surrendering myself to nihilism (Nietzsche's words are incredibly seductive), or taking a Kierkegaardian leap of faith to... only God knows where. The tension of having to choose between the two extremes is causing an unbearable anguish within me: I've been neglecting my everyday life.

But one thing's for sure: I'm losing my religion. I can no longer hold on to my old beliefs. A change must come; which one?

Why I can't be a...

Steve Jones over at Ethical Monotheism posted 3 insightful entries on why he can't be a catholic, liberal christian or evangelical christian. I've been thru similar stages myself, critical on one denomination before switching sides and criticizing the denomination I was from, and eventually culminated with where I am now: critical with the very concept of mass worship.

Mind you I'm not condemning all churchgoers to be lost souls. It's just that I find it hard to have an authentic relationship with God if I'm required to give up my personal faith in order to achieve conformity with the crowd. I'm convinced that there are saints among the churchgoers, but I also believe that God meant some of us to be closer to him thru segregation from the crowd rather than be one with the whole.

Here are the links to the blog entries:

Why I can't be a Roman Catholic

Why I can't be a Liberal Christian

Why I can't be an Evangelical Christian

The Inwardness of Faith

If there's one thing I'm unforgivingly critical about 'community believers', it is the obsession with sensationalism. All the excitements over miraculous healing and spiritual revival and remarkable last minute rescues in times of trouble. Heck it's almost as if they're trying to force an impression that God is so amazingly involved in our daily lives, that the supernatural keeps invading into our natural world!

But faith to me seems to be increasing unsensationalistic to me. It is merely holding onto ones belief in the face of all obstacles and adversaries. No miraculous return of sight to the blind motivates me to believe, no fulfillment of prophesy that assure me about the inerrancy of the Scripture, no speaking in tongues or divine ecstasty that lead me to 'jump into the abyss of Faith's seventy thousand fathoms', as Kierkegaard puts it so colourfully.

It is merely, a choice. A choice of the utmost internal significance and struggle, without all the excessively sensational external display. Blind to all others except the innermost core of my existence.