Can't help but noticing that I'm becoming more and more of a cynic lately. The vengeful side of me, which has been dormant for so many years, is rising up again. I guess it's bcuz I have have yet to develop an efficient way of venting out my humiliation & anger, considering how eager I am to please everyone.
But enough is enough. I refused to let myself be a landfill of insults & humiliation anymore, espeacially from people who don't even have the qualification to do so. It's time for me to reorganize my worldview and severing the unnescesary bondages and burdens I accumulated around me.
To all my friends out there: Don't worry, I'll get over it as soon as I'm done handling this issue.
As for the others...
Nemo me impune lacessit.
(No one attacks me with impunity.)
- The Cask of Amontillado -
Edgar Allan Poe
Sunday, June 26, 2005
HOMECOMING
A private entry.
Nv have I associate that place with sadness, but I can't help but felt slightly anguised today as u disappeared from my sight. The first five minutes were truly horrible, but I'm glad I got hold of myself after awhile. The trip back alone wasn't that lonely after all, but my thoughts were constantly distracted. Still, u dun really seemed to be far away. Somehow, I know that u're thinking of me.
It won't be long. Do ur best there, and till then, enjoy urself! There's no place like home! <=)
I'll be waiting!
Nv have I associate that place with sadness, but I can't help but felt slightly anguised today as u disappeared from my sight. The first five minutes were truly horrible, but I'm glad I got hold of myself after awhile. The trip back alone wasn't that lonely after all, but my thoughts were constantly distracted. Still, u dun really seemed to be far away. Somehow, I know that u're thinking of me.
It won't be long. Do ur best there, and till then, enjoy urself! There's no place like home! <=)
I'll be waiting!
Sunday, June 19, 2005
FINAL CUT
It is said that a forgiving heart is one of the chief mark of a true Christian, for if we cannot forgive fellow sinners like ourselves, how can we expect a perfect and sinless God to forgive our sins? But I have to ask, "What is the purpose of forgiving someone if that person never even notices their continuous wrongdoings, let alone repent with a sincere heart?"
I always consider myself to be a forgiving person. "I'm sorry" is a very powerful phrase indeed for me. There is no unforgivable sins from anyone towards me, so long as they're truly sorry for what they've done. But how do I deal with detestable ppl who nv even realize how hideous they really are? How could I even approach and tell them what they have done wrong when their pride and ego are blocking the way?? It is not easy to admit that you're wrong, and it is hard to accept that people are right about you: you need to change that awful attitude of yours. So who's to blame if they can't accept it?
I've been swallowing all the insults patiently for the past one year or so. I really think that the friendship is worth all the humiliation I undergo. But at this time of self-evaluation, I can't help but wonder, "Who am I doing this for?" God? Is he glorified for my continuous humiliation? It is if they condemned me for the Truth I believe in. But it is purely my nature that they're mocking me here. So who am I doing this for? Why should I go thru all this suffering for... nothing? Juz so that there won't be any conflict arises from this so-called close circle of friends? Must I take in all these insults for the sake of "the whole"? Why should I, if "the whole" don't looks out for me?
Maybe being a lone runner is not that bad idea after all. Granted, it's less fun, but perhaps it's worth the less pain as well. What's the point of me going thru all these humiliation when I know that these people are not on par with my level? I know, that's a proud thing to say, but after going thru all these, it's really tough for me not to fight fire with fire. I'm generally cheerful person, but I can be incredibly vengeful if someone consistently cross the line, my "moral line".
As I reevaluate and reflect more upon my current relationships with everyone I know, I can't help but realizinh how naive and delusional I've been. There are preciously few good people out there, and many sacrifices and efforts you made don't juz go unnoticed, but are exploited by the monsters out there. Yes I know, I sound paranoid, but after all I've went thru... I can't trust others as much anymore. The only place now that I can call a sanctuary... is within myself...
In the mean time, to the guy who could never repent:
...and if he refuses to listen even... treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. (Matthew 18:17)
Bring me the scissors.
*Snip snip*.
Here lies the broken thread of our friendship.
May it rest in peace... for good.
I always consider myself to be a forgiving person. "I'm sorry" is a very powerful phrase indeed for me. There is no unforgivable sins from anyone towards me, so long as they're truly sorry for what they've done. But how do I deal with detestable ppl who nv even realize how hideous they really are? How could I even approach and tell them what they have done wrong when their pride and ego are blocking the way?? It is not easy to admit that you're wrong, and it is hard to accept that people are right about you: you need to change that awful attitude of yours. So who's to blame if they can't accept it?
I've been swallowing all the insults patiently for the past one year or so. I really think that the friendship is worth all the humiliation I undergo. But at this time of self-evaluation, I can't help but wonder, "Who am I doing this for?" God? Is he glorified for my continuous humiliation? It is if they condemned me for the Truth I believe in. But it is purely my nature that they're mocking me here. So who am I doing this for? Why should I go thru all this suffering for... nothing? Juz so that there won't be any conflict arises from this so-called close circle of friends? Must I take in all these insults for the sake of "the whole"? Why should I, if "the whole" don't looks out for me?
Maybe being a lone runner is not that bad idea after all. Granted, it's less fun, but perhaps it's worth the less pain as well. What's the point of me going thru all these humiliation when I know that these people are not on par with my level? I know, that's a proud thing to say, but after going thru all these, it's really tough for me not to fight fire with fire. I'm generally cheerful person, but I can be incredibly vengeful if someone consistently cross the line, my "moral line".
As I reevaluate and reflect more upon my current relationships with everyone I know, I can't help but realizinh how naive and delusional I've been. There are preciously few good people out there, and many sacrifices and efforts you made don't juz go unnoticed, but are exploited by the monsters out there. Yes I know, I sound paranoid, but after all I've went thru... I can't trust others as much anymore. The only place now that I can call a sanctuary... is within myself...
In the mean time, to the guy who could never repent:
...and if he refuses to listen even... treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. (Matthew 18:17)
Bring me the scissors.
*Snip snip*.
Here lies the broken thread of our friendship.
May it rest in peace... for good.
Friday, June 17, 2005
I THOUGHT I WOULDN'T MIND
I thought I wouldn't mind... I really thought so. After all, I myself have problems accepting certain people. Yet what you did... felt almost like a betrayal, a concealed dagger in the shadow, sharpened from a prolonged time of suppressed anger. I'm totally OK with it if I knew it all along, but to think that I have always considered you my friend, respecting you, and being supportive all the way... Juz to found out this is wat you really think of me all this time, yet acting as if it was never really there, while telling others how much you can't stand me behind my back...
It took me some time to come to this. But I guess I've always known how I SHOULD feel when I first found out about it when you blurted it out so inconsiderately in front of everyone. I thought I was accepted, juz the way I am... But I guess that's too good to be true. Some differences are juz irreconcilable, no matter how one side is more than willing to accept the other... It takes two, they say...
...I thought I wouldn't mind, but in the end I guess it does. Hell it does feel like a stab at the back. Couldn't you at least approach me privately before you announce it to everyone of your contempt of me? What have I done to deserve such... deception? Such dishonesty? So all this while... is only a playacting?! I've always thought highly of you, I thought you were different... Turns out you're juz the same as the others... Rigid, bossy,stupid, intolerant of any 'unorthodox' views...
You could have juz told me... After all this time, is it hard to ask you to respect my values? I guess it is, since it has always been like this for your kind. Well, thanks for everything thus far... and nothing at all. You go on your way now, and I go mine. I hope our paths will never intersect again. Ever.
Betrayer.
It took me some time to come to this. But I guess I've always known how I SHOULD feel when I first found out about it when you blurted it out so inconsiderately in front of everyone. I thought I was accepted, juz the way I am... But I guess that's too good to be true. Some differences are juz irreconcilable, no matter how one side is more than willing to accept the other... It takes two, they say...
...I thought I wouldn't mind, but in the end I guess it does. Hell it does feel like a stab at the back. Couldn't you at least approach me privately before you announce it to everyone of your contempt of me? What have I done to deserve such... deception? Such dishonesty? So all this while... is only a playacting?! I've always thought highly of you, I thought you were different... Turns out you're juz the same as the others... Rigid, bossy,
You could have juz told me... After all this time, is it hard to ask you to respect my values? I guess it is, since it has always been like this for your kind. Well, thanks for everything thus far... and nothing at all. You go on your way now, and I go mine. I hope our paths will never intersect again. Ever.
Betrayer.
Monday, June 13, 2005
2 YEARS ANNIVERSARY
Seems that I've missed my blog's 2nd birthday! Argh... It's on the 5th of June!!! Argh, how can I have forgotten it?! Forgetful me!!! Must have been due to the enormous last minute effort during my GI system!!! Dang!
Well, as Socrates has said (thanks Tom for the quote!), "The unreflected life is not worth living", I've look thru all the posts between June 2004 till June 2005. Many things have happen since, and I've grown much since then too. I have shortened the length and frequency of my blog posts, since I've learned that not everything are worth recording and reading.
Anyway, here's the highlights!
Sem 2 (June 2004 - February 2005)
1. Addicted to Settlers of Catan
Yup, thx to Matthew, I've got a new love in my life, the boardgame Settlers of Catan! Hope to get my own set 1 day *hint hint* =p.
2. Campus Friends' Broga Camp
Definitely one of the most enjoyable trip/camp I have in my life. Raft-building, obstacle cross, high rope crossing, flying fox, murder game... Wow, it has been a wonderful time there. Oh and I learned the card game Bridge too!
3. Streamyx installed
Finally I can download stuff at top speed! Haha!! Come to me all u animes, movies, songs and MTVs out there!!!
4. Sem 2 CG
In contrast to the relative dryness of our sem 1 CGs (no offense to the M1/03 seniors who guide us.. U guys did great, juz that we prefer our own way! Thx still for the efforts!), our CGs in sem 2 started off wonderfully. Honest sharing and testimonials are the best things wei! And the CG has been doing well ever since!
5. Battle of the Bands 2004
Having fun in Taylor's watching the performances. Hope to be back for the next one!
6. My 1st major accident
Hit the butt of a Satria in front of me as he braked suddenly. Lose RM 100, but I guess it could be worse... That car juz got a scratch, and mine? The whole frontal part caved in, and the lights were broken!
7. The Pink Lady
A bizarre late night experience (bout 3.30 am) witnessing (probably a prostitute) a lady in pink walking around slowly on the road leading to Vista A while waving eerily at us on the balcony of B1-B1-8. Apparently she even humped a tree! Ewwwww...
8. The Hullaballo
For the 1st time, I realize the potential of a blog in starting a conflict. Though the issue is resolved in the end, some damage on relationships seems permanent, as I finally vent out my long suppressed anger towards someone, albeit in a very controlled manner.
9. 1st try of Rojak
Ate my very 1st rojak at SS15 with Yon Xian and Brandon... Come to think about it, I haven't been eating many of it since! Lol.
10. Rotation at Hospital Kuala Kubu Baru
Scared stiff at 1st by the M2/03 seniors about how ulu the place is, I (and most of my batchmates) ended up loving the place. Jay-walking in the wide but empty streets, having fun in Fraser's Hill, cheap ice-cream and all... It's a blast! I guess the seniors must have been really spoilt in their home! Lol...
Sem 3 (March 2005 - June 2005)
1. Sem 3 stress
For the 1st time in my med school life, I actually feel as if I'm sick of studying. It occurs early in the Haematology System and lasted till the wnd last week of GI System. There's juz so much to study, and most of the lectures are so awfully boring. But I hope I've gotten over it.
2. Baptism in Morib
My Serdang HOPE CG went to Pantai Morib at Banting for an outing and also a baptism event for a few of the members. The trip brought back lots of fond memories, as I've haven't been to Banting, my dad's 1st working place, for the longest time. Our unintentional side trip also landed us at Jenjarom too, where I saw the temple site where I used to join a Buddhist Camp b4 when I'm in standard 6.
3. Dealt with my problem
I've finally come in peace with my problem. Although I haven't exactly found the solutions yet, at least I managed to keep it under control now.
4. Being an umpire
Learned to become and helped out as an umpire and linesman in the IMU Closed Badminton Championship. A wonderful and eye-opening experience!
5. Post-exam Klang tour
Brought Man Keat and Sidd down to Klang for a food tour. It has been fun touring them around Klang, and I hope to do it again soon! They've yet to try everything that's good!
6. Personality Type
My interested in Personality Type has been flared up again. Currently trying to get as many data as possible to test the accuracy of the typology theory. I need more test subjects!!!
7. Read 1984
The most horrifying book I've read so far, and it sparked my interest in a totally new field: political literature and movies!!!
8. Found a true friend
The last is definitely not the least in this case. In fact, it is the most memorable. I finally found a close friend whom I can juz say wateva is on my mind, and one who is always willing to listen and help me out. This is surely one of the memory that I will cherish for the rest of my life!
And there u have, the highlights of the 2nd year of my blog writing, in a concise manner! Till the next anniversary! >=)
Well, as Socrates has said (thanks Tom for the quote!), "The unreflected life is not worth living", I've look thru all the posts between June 2004 till June 2005. Many things have happen since, and I've grown much since then too. I have shortened the length and frequency of my blog posts, since I've learned that not everything are worth recording and reading.
Anyway, here's the highlights!
Sem 2 (June 2004 - February 2005)
1. Addicted to Settlers of Catan
Yup, thx to Matthew, I've got a new love in my life, the boardgame Settlers of Catan! Hope to get my own set 1 day *hint hint* =p.
2. Campus Friends' Broga Camp
Definitely one of the most enjoyable trip/camp I have in my life. Raft-building, obstacle cross, high rope crossing, flying fox, murder game... Wow, it has been a wonderful time there. Oh and I learned the card game Bridge too!
3. Streamyx installed
Finally I can download stuff at top speed! Haha!! Come to me all u animes, movies, songs and MTVs out there!!!
4. Sem 2 CG
In contrast to the relative dryness of our sem 1 CGs (no offense to the M1/03 seniors who guide us.. U guys did great, juz that we prefer our own way! Thx still for the efforts!), our CGs in sem 2 started off wonderfully. Honest sharing and testimonials are the best things wei! And the CG has been doing well ever since!
5. Battle of the Bands 2004
Having fun in Taylor's watching the performances. Hope to be back for the next one!
6. My 1st major accident
Hit the butt of a Satria in front of me as he braked suddenly. Lose RM 100, but I guess it could be worse... That car juz got a scratch, and mine? The whole frontal part caved in, and the lights were broken!
7. The Pink Lady
A bizarre late night experience (bout 3.30 am) witnessing (probably a prostitute) a lady in pink walking around slowly on the road leading to Vista A while waving eerily at us on the balcony of B1-B1-8. Apparently she even humped a tree! Ewwwww...
8. The Hullaballo
For the 1st time, I realize the potential of a blog in starting a conflict. Though the issue is resolved in the end, some damage on relationships seems permanent, as I finally vent out my long suppressed anger towards someone, albeit in a very controlled manner.
9. 1st try of Rojak
Ate my very 1st rojak at SS15 with Yon Xian and Brandon... Come to think about it, I haven't been eating many of it since! Lol.
10. Rotation at Hospital Kuala Kubu Baru
Scared stiff at 1st by the M2/03 seniors about how ulu the place is, I (and most of my batchmates) ended up loving the place. Jay-walking in the wide but empty streets, having fun in Fraser's Hill, cheap ice-cream and all... It's a blast! I guess the seniors must have been really spoilt in their home! Lol...
Sem 3 (March 2005 - June 2005)
1. Sem 3 stress
For the 1st time in my med school life, I actually feel as if I'm sick of studying. It occurs early in the Haematology System and lasted till the wnd last week of GI System. There's juz so much to study, and most of the lectures are so awfully boring. But I hope I've gotten over it.
2. Baptism in Morib
My Serdang HOPE CG went to Pantai Morib at Banting for an outing and also a baptism event for a few of the members. The trip brought back lots of fond memories, as I've haven't been to Banting, my dad's 1st working place, for the longest time. Our unintentional side trip also landed us at Jenjarom too, where I saw the temple site where I used to join a Buddhist Camp b4 when I'm in standard 6.
3. Dealt with my problem
I've finally come in peace with my problem. Although I haven't exactly found the solutions yet, at least I managed to keep it under control now.
4. Being an umpire
Learned to become and helped out as an umpire and linesman in the IMU Closed Badminton Championship. A wonderful and eye-opening experience!
5. Post-exam Klang tour
Brought Man Keat and Sidd down to Klang for a food tour. It has been fun touring them around Klang, and I hope to do it again soon! They've yet to try everything that's good!
6. Personality Type
My interested in Personality Type has been flared up again. Currently trying to get as many data as possible to test the accuracy of the typology theory. I need more test subjects!!!
7. Read 1984
The most horrifying book I've read so far, and it sparked my interest in a totally new field: political literature and movies!!!
8. Found a true friend
The last is definitely not the least in this case. In fact, it is the most memorable. I finally found a close friend whom I can juz say wateva is on my mind, and one who is always willing to listen and help me out. This is surely one of the memory that I will cherish for the rest of my life!
And there u have, the highlights of the 2nd year of my blog writing, in a concise manner! Till the next anniversary! >=)
Sunday, June 12, 2005
BYE GI, HEY MOVIES!!!
The GI exam is over... and so it's movie marathon time! Watched a couple of movies so far, and here u have them!!!
Best Picture in 1988, and a movie about an autistic guy who is incapable of handling his emotions and changing a set pattern of habits but have special mental capabilities. Now that's a movie that a med student will be interested to watch! Lol. So is it good? Well, Dustin Hoffman is a joy to watch as an autistic guy, but the movie juz dun have enought content to stretch for its 2 hours and 15 minutes mark. After 90 minutes, I'm beginning to long for the ending of the movie. The movie juz dun deserve the Best Picture award, but I guess the Oscars has always have an affinity to award the coveted title to inspiring movies bout mentally-handicapped people (One Flew Over A Cuckoo's Nest, Forrest Gump, A Beautiful Mind, anyone?). Nevertheless, Dustin Hoffman's performance (which earned him a Best Actor award) is worth sitting thru the movie!!!
I've heard a lot about the movie, espeacially from my peers, whom many are crazy about it. After Rain Man, I figured that I wanna watch something light (BUT not thrashy), so I chose Bend it Like Beckham. The verdict? Well, it is formulaic and cliche in many ways, considering how many replicas of culture clash/ generation gap movies we have out there, but more importantly, it's energetic, warm and charming too. Yup, there's still the modern girl wanted to become something that her traditional parents are unhappy with, the racial issue in relationship, the compulsory minsunderstanding scenes, and the uplifting conclusion and all (heck they even have an airport scene, as usual), but all the characters are so lovable that u'll juz feel compelled to overlook the fact that the movie isn't that brilliant or original at all. Definitely a fun watch, and quite a few interesting insights (not deep, but interesting enough) on the culture clash issues too.
Alright, Now that I've watched a Hollywood movie and a Brit film, I'm looking forward to Bollywood's Lagaan, Afghanistan's Osama and Hong Kong's 2046 next!!! >=) Yay!!! Now if only I can get my hands on the Spanish movie The Devil's Backbone (El Espinazo del Diablo)... Heard that it's 1 of the best horror movie out there!
Best Picture in 1988, and a movie about an autistic guy who is incapable of handling his emotions and changing a set pattern of habits but have special mental capabilities. Now that's a movie that a med student will be interested to watch! Lol. So is it good? Well, Dustin Hoffman is a joy to watch as an autistic guy, but the movie juz dun have enought content to stretch for its 2 hours and 15 minutes mark. After 90 minutes, I'm beginning to long for the ending of the movie. The movie juz dun deserve the Best Picture award, but I guess the Oscars has always have an affinity to award the coveted title to inspiring movies bout mentally-handicapped people (One Flew Over A Cuckoo's Nest, Forrest Gump, A Beautiful Mind, anyone?). Nevertheless, Dustin Hoffman's performance (which earned him a Best Actor award) is worth sitting thru the movie!!!
I've heard a lot about the movie, espeacially from my peers, whom many are crazy about it. After Rain Man, I figured that I wanna watch something light (BUT not thrashy), so I chose Bend it Like Beckham. The verdict? Well, it is formulaic and cliche in many ways, considering how many replicas of culture clash/ generation gap movies we have out there, but more importantly, it's energetic, warm and charming too. Yup, there's still the modern girl wanted to become something that her traditional parents are unhappy with, the racial issue in relationship, the compulsory minsunderstanding scenes, and the uplifting conclusion and all (heck they even have an airport scene, as usual), but all the characters are so lovable that u'll juz feel compelled to overlook the fact that the movie isn't that brilliant or original at all. Definitely a fun watch, and quite a few interesting insights (not deep, but interesting enough) on the culture clash issues too.
Alright, Now that I've watched a Hollywood movie and a Brit film, I'm looking forward to Bollywood's Lagaan, Afghanistan's Osama and Hong Kong's 2046 next!!! >=) Yay!!! Now if only I can get my hands on the Spanish movie The Devil's Backbone (El Espinazo del Diablo)... Heard that it's 1 of the best horror movie out there!
Thursday, June 09, 2005
SLEEP/ EAT
They say it's better to eat after you've slept... U won't get fatter that way. But in the time of desperate last-minute studies like mine b4 the exam, I think the other way round makes more sense.
After u get ur sleep, u'll wake up fresh and ready to take on anything... till u heard ur stomach rumble. There u go, happily ingesting some foodstuff, and go to ur study full of determination. 5 minutes later, u dozed off due to the heavy digestion of ur food.
So, why not eat 1st, feeling sleepy, go to sleep, and wake up fresh to continue ur battle against all the carcinomas and inflammation etc etc?? Who cares about gaining weight in a desperate time like this?
OK, I'm going back to study now...
Steatosis, accumulation of fat in liver due to excessive alcohol intake...
After u get ur sleep, u'll wake up fresh and ready to take on anything... till u heard ur stomach rumble. There u go, happily ingesting some foodstuff, and go to ur study full of determination. 5 minutes later, u dozed off due to the heavy digestion of ur food.
So, why not eat 1st, feeling sleepy, go to sleep, and wake up fresh to continue ur battle against all the carcinomas and inflammation etc etc?? Who cares about gaining weight in a desperate time like this?
OK, I'm going back to study now...
Steatosis, accumulation of fat in liver due to excessive alcohol intake...
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
QUOTE
"I believe in a country where hard work and merit, not privilege or background, determines success."
U hear that, Malaysia?! Open up ur ears and use ur head already!!! The horribly backward mentality we have is bringing us nowhere!
Wake up!!!
Tony Blair, 2005
U hear that, Malaysia?! Open up ur ears and use ur head already!!! The horribly backward mentality we have is bringing us nowhere!
Wake up!!!