I haven't been attending church services for years now, but I wanna stress that it doesn't mean that I've abandoned my christian faith. On the contrary, I believe that it has grown much since the last time I attended church. The problem is that somehow I have this strong feeling that my deeper understanding of my faith has becoming increasingly incompatible with the (mostly) fundamentalistic beliefs of my ex-church, as well as the increasing displacement of rituals over love for one another.
My recent Christian growth is heading more and more towards liberalism and anarchism - I've come to realize that God, though an objective being, cannot be experienced by us finite human, as an objective whole. We, the creations, are divided from our creator bcuz of our limitation in time and space (not to mention thought capacity etc etc), can nv fully comprehend God until we unite with him in spirit, until we depart from our material world. Therefore, God can only reveals himself to us in glimpses of his true self, for the human mind is incapable of understanding God without associating God with something that exists around us. Therefore, biblical portrayals of God are mostly symbolic, for example: our heavenly Father. The ideal idea of a father taking care over his children, further superimposed with the word 'heavenly' to describe his sovereignty.
Therefore, if what we understand with the word, or concept of God, is not only as far as how much he reveals himself to us, but also in the limitation of our material world. Which is why God often reveal his power thru power over Nature: e.g. splitting of the Red Sea, Jesus calming the storm, the Great Flood etc, in order to display his infinite, omnipotent power to us humans.
Thus I reached the biggest discovery I have in years: that Christianity is a purely subjective relationship of one individual and God himself. No one can truly claimed that this is how God like and your concept of God is wrong, for no one has truly comprehend God, or capture the entire essence of what God truly is. God reveals himself to all of us in a personal manner, therefore, different people may have different perception of who or what God is, but no one can claim complete understanding of God himself, for our thoughts and senses are limited in our finite world.
Fundamentalist will argue that the bible has revealed everything that has to be known about God, and therefore Christianity should be an objective truth, with fixed laws and what is true and what is false, what is righteous and what is sinful etc etc. In my opinion, a quick look at the apostle Peter's vision in Acts 10:9-16 will reveal that the things that are mentioned in the bible are not absolute, constant fixations, but are fluid and subject to change, if it is God's will. God proclaim that the animals that are used to be unclean according to the law of Moses are now clean, symbolising that Gentiles too can now come to God, not juz the Jews.
Another example: When God as Abraham to sacrifice his son on the altar for his honour, does it not seemed to contradict God's commandment of "thou shalt not kill"? Of cuz, Abraham did not kill Isaac in the end, but that does not change the fact that God did command Abraham to do something that many christians will nowadays perceive as heresy. Soren Kierkegaard, a Danish philosopher and Christian theologian, call this the "Teleological Suspension of the Ethical", and he concluded that true faith in God would means to side aside all forms of morality and even biblical law in order to fulfill God's will.
In other words, one's relationship with God should supersedes conventional morality and even biblical laws in order for it to be truly pure and genuine. What is wrong in the sight of a believer towards a seemingly erring fellow believer is not necessary wrong in the eyes of God, and therefore, a believer has no right whatsoever to judge another person to be sinful or otherwise, eventhough the bible may state the a particular action/concept is wrong, e.g. Peter's vision, Isaac's "sacrifice".
So, if what is right in God's eye can only be known for sure by God himself (unless he chose to reveal it to all), then Christianity is a subjective faith, where one's understanding of God should not be determined by an institution (i.e. the christian church) or other fellow believers, but derived directly upon the individual's relationship with God himself, and how God chose to direct the individual.
So, what are the implications of such a belief on the "teleological suspension of the ethical"? It would mean that it is normal that there are diverse opinions and beliefs in God, for Christianity, or the relationship between Man and God, is purely subjective. Thus, my view on Christianity would be one of extreme individualism and liberalism - that faith in God depends on individual subjective experience, and it is the right of believers to hold and express views which differ with the conventional, orthodox belief.
Well, now that I've come to this conclusion, how does this discovery affect me? My biggest problem now is that I'm having difficulty having fellowship with my fellow brothers and sisters without having to resort to a fixed set of beliefs on who God really is, how are we supposed to worship God etc etc. I've been to many churches, but many seemed to place themselves, their denomination, to be exact, to be at least a little higher than others. While few denominations accuses publicly of other denominations as heresy, there seemed to be a strong sense of distrust and sense of superiority over ppl who are not from their denominations.
I have seen and heard many charismatics teasing conservative christians on how dead and boring the worship sessions are in conservative churches. The reverend from my ex-church once say that he suspected that the charismatic has roots in New Age movements. A friend of mine sees Catholic beliefs to be heresy, while my cousin told me an incredibly disturbing statement from his charismatic pastor: The Devil loves people who worship God by standing still (or something like that, can't remember the exact statement). Some claimed that you're only truly saved after you speak in tongues, while others believe that speaking in tongues is a manifestation of demon possesion.
Why are churches seeding strife and promote xenophobia instead of uniting believers under one Body of Christ? What is the true purpose of the christian church in the 1st place? To issue decrees, to uphold rigid dogmas, to exercise power over the religious communities? Since when did God command the creation of an institution to act as some sort of "belief police"? Yet throughout history, many bodies have act as a governing force over the religious communities, e.g. the Pharisees, the Inquisition etc.
In my opinion, christians are united, no matter how diverse our opinions are, by common intuitions and experiences. Therefore, the purpose of a Church is to provide some sort of supportive framework, in which all believers can come together to discuss, share and explore the multiple facets of God, to encourage one another in testimonies and assistance, and to worship God in our own manner, without inhibition nor judgement from any fellow believers. Yet so far, I have yet to encounter a church like that.
The closest thing that I've encountered that resembles this ideal gathering of believers is my batch's cell group. All of us come from different christian background, and many of us have different opinions of our faith, but we are united together by a common thing: we all are saved by our faith in Christ's sacrifice for our sins. Here, we truly come together, not to criticize each other nor to decree any dogmas, but to discuss and share new insights of our faith with all, and encouraging one another with our testimonies and the lessons we've learned from the past, and to worship God as a syncitium.
The fact that I've found such an ideal fellowship brings about a question: when then, do I choose to skip so many of the CG sessions lately? The answer is simple - while we started off pure and united, something foreign that is not with us from the beginning has joined our midst. At the beginning, it was a really good thing, for it brings new insights to all of us about the nature of our faith. But as time passes, this figure becomes more and more dominant, more and more vocal bout his particular beliefs, and suddenly, one day, his entire presence seems to dominate the group. Prayers are lead forcefully by him, testimonies and encouragements are forced out forcefully by him, and ultimately, what's best for a believer and what's not is forcefully decreed out by him.
Having witness how the purity of the original fellowship has been tainted by this presence, I've slowly, disappointedly dissappear from the group, and now continue on with my quest on seeking another ideal fellowship of believers. Truth is, one of my friend accurately predicted this very outcome when I told him why I love the CG so much some time ago, that things will change as time passes... Sigh... But I guess that Change is inevitable in our material world...
So, ya, here I am, mostly on my own now, continuing my journey to further understand God and where I stand in the whole picture. I truly yearn for a constant companion in this mostly lonely journey of mine, where we could both continuously share new insights and encourage one another for the rest of the journey. Guess all I can do know is pray for God's providence then... <=)
In necessariis unitas, in dubiis libertas, in omnibus caritas.
(In essentials, unity; in nonessentials, liberty; and in all things, love)
- Moravian Church Motto -
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